Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 Fluke 1/4/84; site fluke.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxl!ihnp4!alberta!ubc-vision!uw-beaver!ssc-vax!fluke!kurt From: kurt@fluke.UUCP (Kurt Guntheroth) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: cannonical collection of LBJs Message-ID: <938@vax2.fluke.UUCP> Date: Mon, 13-Feb-84 20:28:12 EST Article-I.D.: vax2.938 Posted: Mon Feb 13 20:28:12 1984 Date-Received: Wed, 22-Feb-84 02:21:59 EST Organization: John Fluke Mfg. Co., Everett, WA Lines: 235 Notes on the Cannonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes: This file is the cannonical collection of light bulb jokes, posted as a public service to prevent a steady trickle of light bulb jokes must of which will be repeats. Light bulb jokes have a period of four to six months between recurrances, and long-time news readers look forward with dread to each new round of the same old jokes. It is possible to construct infinite small variations on these jokes by substituting particular ethnic groups into these jokes, or by expanding certain jokes into seventy line monsters. I have resisted this impulse. Of course you may substitue any ethnic group for ''. I feel it would take all the fun out for me to pick on a single ethnic group when there are so many and when I don't know your personal prejudices. The WASPs in the following jokes are `White Anglo-Saxon Protestants' and are assumed to represent any upper-middle class, loose lifestyle people. In Seattle, these are 'Mercer Islander' jokes. In California, they are 'Marin County' residents/housewives. !WARNING! This file contains material of a satirical nature. It may be offensive to members of the following groups: Californians Oregonians New Yorkers New Jersey-ians Generals Politicians Marxists supply-side economists Athletes Students artists Professors Psychiatrists Psychologists Doctors Lawyers Christians Jews Zen Budhists gods Vice Presidents Managers Russians Feminists mice Homosexuals Lesbians Software people IBM employees WASPs Bell-Labs Employees and no doubt others who are offended to have been left out of this list. ----- The Cannonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes ----- Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A1: None of your damn business! A2: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract. Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis. Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Thats a hardware problem. Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway. Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from Western Electric Corp. on payment of license fee (binary only). Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb? A1: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark. A2: None of your damn business! Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...") Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. (Hint: They are small enough to fit inside). Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a lightbulb, they screw in a hot tub. Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again. Q: How many med students does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him. Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three, but they're really only one. Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Thats not funny!!! Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time. Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Both of them. Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it. Notes: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb. Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions. Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. Notes: This has also been said of Virginians. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. Q: How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs! Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None, the bulb will change itself when its ready. Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? A: You can unscrew a lightbulb. Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subornidates to actually change it. Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one. Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous." Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness. Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. Q: How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb?? A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple... Notes: topical to the resignation of interior secretary James Watt in 1983 Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in. Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? Q: How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man. Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. There never *was* any lightbulb. Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984. Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a lightbulb? A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many. Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget! Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a lightbulb. A: ---- You should have hit "n"! -- Kurt Guntheroth John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc. {uw-beaver,decvax!microsof,ucbvax!lbl-csam,allegra,ssc-vax}!fluke!kurt