Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site dcdwest.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!harpo!decvax!ittvax!dcdwest!nelson From: nelson@dcdwest.UUCP Newsgroups: net.jokes.d Subject: RatEotN 1&2 Message-ID: <128@dcdwest.UUCP> Date: Fri, 27-Apr-84 07:58:10 EDT Article-I.D.: dcdwest.128 Posted: Fri Apr 27 07:58:10 1984 Date-Received: Sun, 29-Apr-84 07:05:46 EDT Organization: ITT DCDWEST (San Diego) Lines: 182 * As an added treat, and for completness, here are the two and only episodes of The Restaurant at the End of the Net. (Actually, there is also a Christmas special, but you're better off not reading it.) Mark Nelson * The Restaurant at the End of the Net Episode 1 (Xaphod, Rod, Gillian, Martin, and Arnold Lint are on their way to MicroWays: The Restaurant at the End of the Net.) Arnold Lint: What's this MircoWays place like? Martin: It's awful. Xaphod: Shut up, it's a wild place. What they did was place a restaurant at the exact time in the continuum at which the Net ends. It's all very complicated, but you can dine while watching all the nodes and newsgroups you've come to know and despise vaporize in a great apocalyptic blaze. [************************************************************************* "The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net" points out that the Net did actually cease due to overpopulation. The volume of stupid and useless comments (and their associated authors) got so compressed that all activity stopped due to the immense amounts of time required to sort through this black hole of mental ineptitude. A few die hards kept on, however, in the hopes that the loyal followers would again return. Legend has it that they followed the writings of some mystical female netlander from the Valley (fershure!). This has been widely disclaimed as gnarly to the max and highly unlikely. **********************************************************************] Rod: Yah, it's lovely! Gillian: Sounds fun. Arnold Lint: You mean the Net isn't forever? Marvin: Fortunately not. Arnold Lint: Gee, it seems kind of pointless to go to so much trouble on the Net, knowing that it all is going up in the end anyway. Marvin: Same with everything else in this seemingly endless lament we call life . . . why bother. Xaphod: Quiet. (A buzzer sounds and the Infinity's sensors show a squadron of ships approaching. It's the Flamers!!) Rod: Oh heck, it's the bloody Flamers again. Don't those mindless oafs ever learn!? Xaphod: Guess not. Flamer Commander: Right, I thought we were rid of you lot. Push off or else. (The Flamer commander looks a lot like Phil Donahue.) Gillian: Ah, go intercourse a leprous elk! Arnold Lint: Don't Flamers ever stop? I though they were under control a while ago. Rod: They were, but they've started another uprising. Flamer Commander: Right, assigned topics for discussion WILL be adhered to. Anything said which sounds like it might be important WILL be ignored. Full frontal lobotomies WILL be required. Martin: I don't think he's too well. Xaphod: That's an understatement. Rod: We better get out of here before they start up. Flamer Commander: First, lets discuss the social and political effects of shirtsleeves. Should they be rolled up? Left down? Or made a felony? Suppose if every American rolled up his shirt sleeves and every Commie didn't - where would we be then? If you are interested in having an incestuous relationship with your illegitimately pregnant sister, what impact will the length of your shirtsleeves have on her opinion of you? Is the shirtsleeve a phalic symbol? How many engineers does it take to sew a shirtsleeve? Xaphod: STOP! STOP! STOP! What do you want from us? Arnold Lint: Wait, I was just getting interested. Rod: We better get ourselves out of here quick. Flamer Commander: Next, what about people who type in all lower case - does this make them homosexuals or ocelots? Gillian: Aaaarrrrgggghhh!!!! ******************** End Of Part 1 ******************** Will the crew of the Infinity once again escape the clutches of the Flamers? Or will they start to question the sexual significance of candlepin bowling? To find out . . . Tune in next time . . . same Net-time . . . same Net-channel. The Restaurant at the End of the Net Episode 2 (Arnold Lint and the crew of the Infinity are once again faced by the dreaded Flamers. The Flamers are bombarding our heros with an infinitely pointless diatribe on the legal points of rolling up ones shirtsleeves.) Gillian: What can we do to stop this? Martin: Why bother, it's all hopeless anyway. Rod: Look you, I've had just about enough of your lip. Martin: I don't have lips, I'm afraid. My assembler must have been in a bad mood and forgot them . . . ah well (sigh). Gillian: Well, we better do something!! Xaphod: We've tried everything else, why don't we try to out-stupid them? Arnold Lint: Don't you need at least a Master's in Computer Science to attempt that? Rod: Yah, but let's try anyway!! Xaphod: Right, what's the most idiotic topic we can throw at them? Gillian: Spelling mistakes in Net submissions? Xaphod: No. Rod: Profanity on the Net? Xaphod: No. I'm afraid this won't work. Arnold Lint: What will we do? Flamer: Now, let's turn our attention to the psycho-sexual ramifications of user's having to hit the 'n' key repetitively when reading Netnews. Does this form a non-compliant attitude that is reflected in the individuals sex life? If Netnews becomes too dull, will we all go sterile from the 'n-key' complex? Gillian: I can't take it. Rod: There's one last hope. If we pray to the goddess of the Net, we may be saved. Arnold Lint: The what? Martin: You really don't want to hear this. Xaphod: Quiet. The goddess of the Net - Laedeyarh-wehn-kenobi. Legend has it she is from the Valley and has amazing powers over some denizens of the Net. Arnold Lint: What kind of power? Xaphod: I don't know, but her followers even chipped in for air fare so she could sing "Let's get physical" at the Superbowl half-time. Rod: (Seeing Arnold Lint's look of disgust) Yah, a pretty sick bunch. Gillian: Well, it's worth a shot. Xaphod: Okay, when I signal you, chant 'fershure' three times. Others: Right. Xaphod: Oh Laedeyarh-wehn-kenobi, protect us from these grody-to-the-max flamers. Others: Fershure! Fershure! Fershure! Xaphod: Oh Laedeyarh-wehn-kenobi, vanquish these flamers with a totally awesome laser blast. Others: Fershure! Fershure! Fershure! (From out of nowhere a high pitched, whining voice is heard to say "Oh wow, flamers. Like, gag me with a spoon." The flamers ships then implode into nothingness. The voice then says "Far out! Like, may the force be, like, with you, you know." Arnold Lint and the Infinity crew are left standing on the bridge looking into the newly empty space before them.) Rod: That was amazing! Xaphod: That was amazingly amazing. Martin: Wasn't all that great. Arnold Lint: That has to be the most impressive display of power in the Net! [***************************************************************************** "The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net" points out that the most impressive display of power in the Net was the result of the actual cooperation of subscribers of net.singles, net.flame, AND net.religion. According to the story, this unholy trinity was capable of twisting even the most simple of statements into states of uncomprehensibly circuitous illogic. The group went their separate ways when the net.religion group called the net.singles group immoral sexual deviants and the net.flame group blaspheming agnostics who would all burn in hell. The net.flames group fried the net.religion group, but agreed that the net.singles group were real sick. The net.singles group had an orgy. *****************************************************************************] Rod: Well, lets get going to Microways. Arnold Lint: Yah, I'm getting hungry. Gillian: I hope the food is good. Martin: I'm sure it will be awful. We'll all get food poisoning and die in convulsive fits, spitting up bits of intestine and semi-digested fruit cup. ******************** End Of Part 2 ******************** What will be on the menu at Microways? Is the roast beef purple? To find out . . . Tune in next time . . . same Net-time . . . same Net-channel. *****************That's All Folks ******************************* With any luck, this will go away for another year.