Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!floyd!harpo!seismo!hao!hplabs!sri-unix!Sanchez.dlos@Xerox.ARPA From: Sanchez.dlos@Xerox.ARPA Newsgroups: net.movies Subject: JOE BOB BRIGGS GOES TO THE DRIVE-IN (4-6-84) Message-ID: <12081@sri-arpa.UUCP> Date: Fri, 6-Apr-84 17:11:48 EST Article-I.D.: sri-arpa.12081 Posted: Fri Apr 6 17:11:48 1984 Date-Received: Fri, 13-Apr-84 20:45:46 EST Lines: 229 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 6 Apr 84 15:09 CST From: Sanchez.dlos Subject: JOE BOB BRIGGS GOES TO THE DRIVE-IN (4-6-84) To: HAMILTON.ES cc: Crankmail.dl:;, Sanchez Reply-To: Sanchez.dlos WANDA'S TALKIN' BREACH; WE'RE TALKIN' MEAT BEACH IN "WHERE THE BOYS ARE" Rhett Beavers got back from Florida last week with one of those I-bought-a-flamingo-ashtray grins on his face, and I could already tell he was missing a few cards. Rhett never did have what you would call a Sears Diehard upstairs, and let's face it, the boy hadn't been the same ever since that rap for possession of 72 pounds of Arkansas Polio Weed for his personal use. Rhett hadn't been in town more than two, three days before Wanda Bodine was swearing out a warrant again, telling everybody Rhett breached her, when everybody knows Rhett couldn't breach diddly. The boy was paralyzed on that stuff for 7 weeks. Anyhow, all I was able to find out is Rhett made some kinda deal with Vida Stegall and Vida quit her job at Le Bodine right in the middle of a wet-set. Vida said she'd be danged if she was working anymore in a trailer house, even if it did pay $2.10 an hour, because Wanda Bodine promised three months ago to put Vida's name on the Porta-Neon sign out front and give her a promotion to aerobic-dance-instructor, but that fell through when the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders announced they were having a written test this year and so Wanda had to devote all her time to giving private lessons to the bimbos who ponied up 300 cold American apiece for "Footloose" routines. Then when Rhett got back from jacking around in Florida, he went straight to Vida Stegall and claimed he had exclusive North Central Texas rights to Irlene Manderell's Texercise. (Irlene is Barbara's little sister, one of the finest actresses in the history of "Love Boat," and looks like she was shot through the back with a couple of Cruise missiles.) Rhett's deal was simple. "He would put Vida in a permanent structure of some kind" within one-half mile of Six Flags Mall. (It was the mall part that got Vida's attention.) He would also deliver 200 posters of Irlene wearing a Danskin the size of a washrag, and it would say on there "Everyone will want to take me home and Texersize!" Vida had to provide enough blow-dryers and "ladies' stimulated fingernails" to get in the beauty-parlor bidness, and she had to come up with a name for the place. Vida decided on Vida's House of Shellac. Soon as Vida was able to rent a Porta-Neon, Wanda said, "We're talking breach." I don't want to go into all the details, because I'm too lazy, but basicallly it came down to how Wanda is already the exclusive Eastern Tarrant County franchisee for Rockabilly Glamourcize, and anybody who teaches Rockabilly Glamourcize has to sign a slave clause that says, according to Wanda, that Wanda can dump Vida into a Commercial Osterizer and turn her into grape syrup. Basically speaking, that's the kind of lawsuit we're talking about. I'm staying out of it , because I think we already got too many lawsuits in America, and we oughta learned by now that the best way to settle out differnces is to knock the bejabbers out of one another. Now, what this is leading you to is, Rhett came back from surfola bimboville, puked all over his floormats on re-entry, and started babbling about this flick in Lauderdale called "Where the Boys Are." I told him I saw the sucker. He said there's another one. I said, yeah I know, it is called "Spring Break," about all these turkey college kids who go down to Lauderdale and get nekkid and drink Miller Lite and have a wet T-shirt contest. It gets four stars if you'te drunk on Miller, two stars sober, three stars drunk on Bud. Rhett said I didn't know what I was talking about because there was a flick called "Where the Boys Are" at the Century D.I. in Grand Prarie, and I better check it out because it had a pretty active porkchop counter. I'm here to tell you, this is the best movie about stupid white people since "Summer Lovers." No plot to get in the way of the story. Total IQ of the cast: 17. Starring these four bimbos whose philosophy of life is "all you need is a bikini and a diaphragm." We've heard this before, of course, but it was the way she said it. Now. A lot of people wonder why Lorna Luft hasn't never made it in the movies. She was waiting for the right role, that's all. Lorna is the daughter of Judy Garland and Sid Luft, so you know she's got talent but also she's got the looks: She looks exactly like Sid Luft. In this flick Lorna plays the boring bimbo with a boyfriend back home. Lisa Hartman is the virgin. Wendy Schaal is the valley girl. And LynnHolly Johnson is just horny. She goes around trying to have a religious experience with Conan the Barbarian. We've got a lot of Beach meat on the screen here some halfway decent drunks. a Hot Bod Contest, some romantic scenes with a rubber blowup dummy, three parties, a woman who walks around with her grabonzas all caged up and some real bad singing. The turkeys who made this dude didn't even have the decency to find Connie Francis. In other words, you people in Lauderdale are sick. Eleven breasts. No blood. One beast (Conan). Great scene with Rod Stewart's wife trying to go to bed with everything that moves. Two motor vehicle chases one with a crash. Lorna Luft does something pretty amazing with a cucumber. One Aggie joke. Heads do not roll. THREE AND A HALF STARS ON BUD. THREE STARS ON MILLER. FOUR STARS ON ARKANSAS POLIO WEED. ************************************ THE JOE BOB BRIGSS WEEKLY REPORT ON CENSORSHIP IN AMERICA: "JOE BOB GOES TO THE DRIVE-IN" BANNNED IN FORTH SMITH, ARKANSAS. ONE MORE TOWN GOES COMMNIST ON US. JOE BOB'S MAILBAG J.B. What happened to being the "Rockwall" movie critic. You move to Arlington or something. Bob Kirtley Tampa, Fla Dear Bob: Ever since the high sheriffs in L.A. signed up Henry Kissinger to write a column, all our mail has been getting mixed up. I've told Henry the K that if this don't stop soon. I'm going to have to take somee unilateral Kung Fu City. ******* Dear Joe Bob, Last night I had an argument with my boyfriend and I got real mad and said why don't you act like a real man and he said like who and I said like Joe Bob Briggs and he said ha. Then he said that Joe Bob Briggs wasn't a real person. He said that your columns were written by someone else he didn't know who but that it was the same person who did Hints from Heloise. Please say it isn't so, Joe Bob. Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please. You are my idle. Even when you were in New Orleans preaching to the transvestiutes I knew you'd be back. I know my boyfriend's lying. I know your're for real. Your biggest fan Shirlene Poteet Fort Worth P.S. If my boyfriend isn't lying could you reprint your column on making sit-upons? Der Shilene: Even though your boyfriend should have his eyeballs knocked back down into his boots for comparing my ownself to a tidy-bowl lady, you quit harping at that old boy and act like a real woman and take him to Billy Bob's Texas and get him drunk and he'll be just fine. ********* Dear Joe Bob, I'm a law strudent at Texas Tech University School of law, which is where you would go if you want to be a lawyer . I just wanted you to know that I learned more about justice from "Sudden Impact" than I did during a whole semester of Criminal Law. That wimpy bimbo judge at the beginning of the movie made me want to puke, but don't worry, all of us legal types aren't pinkos like her. I personally would rather see a low-life criminal get his gazeboes blown off than see the taxpayers waste money trying and incarcerating the scumbag. You can't even make any money off the slimeballs because court appointed attorneys don't get paid worth a damn. Keep up the good work, J.B. We love you in Lubbock because you're our kind of folks,. In fact, sometimes your colunm sounds just like the editorial page of the Lubbock Avalanche-Hournal, which is a very strange name for a newspaper if you ask me, but they know what's what. Sincerely, Big Dave School of Law Texas Tech University Lubbock Dear Dave; I swear I didn't do it. ********************************************************************************************************************************** JOE BOB REMAINS YOU THAT THERE ARE ONLY TWO DRIVE-INS IN THE ENTIRE NATION OF MALAWI. WITHOUT ETERNAL VIGILANCE, IT COULD HAPPEN HERE. TO DISCUSS THE MEANING OF LIFE WITH JOE BOB WRITE TO JOE BOB BRIGGS AT THE ADDRESS BELOW; ALL LETTERS TO JOE BOB SHOULD BE SENT TO; JOE BOB BRIGGS MOVIE CRITIC OF ROCKWALL, TEXAS LIVING DEPT. DALLAS TIMES HERALD 1101 PACIFIC DALLAS, TEXAS 75202 ----------------------------------------------------------------