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Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!floyd!harpo!ihnp4!zehntel!hplabs!sdcrdcf!randvax!edhall
From: edhall@randvax.ARPA (Ed Hall)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: view on male roles -- who needs them?
Message-ID: <1762@randvax.ARPA>
Date: Mon, 16-Apr-84 01:18:51 EST
Article-I.D.: randvax.1762
Posted: Mon Apr 16 01:18:51 1984
Date-Received: Fri, 13-Apr-84 06:07:55 EST
References: <2257@harpo.UUCP>, <1124@dartvax.UUCP>
Organization: Rand Corp., Santa Monica
Lines: 61

>
I have to agree with my friend Chuqui on this one: there is no
substitute for being yourself.  The problem some people have
is how they express that self.  Here are some suggestions on
meeting MOTOS that have *no* basis in sex roles, and which lay
a good foundation for further relationship.  (I don't take
credit for these--they are mostly distilled from the advice
of numerous friends.)

What most Members Of The Opposite Sex want is someone who is
    1) interested in them,
    2) interesting to them, and
    3) non-threatening.

The members of this triad can either work with or against each
other.  For example, if a MOTOS thinks you are interested in
them, but finds that interest too intense or potentially
too confining, then they are going to avoid you like the plague
no matter how interesting you appear.  This is the `trying too
hard' syndrome.  Remember, even if *you* know just how nice a
person you really are, you are a stranger to a new MOTOS (or
even one you've known a long time but have avoided person-level
contact with).

A relationship is usually going to start from a series of
conversations (sometimes just one).  This will most likely happen
in a non-threatening, non-pressure environment (which is why work
is often out-of-bounds).  And probably 90% of the time it starts
out with a greeting and an innocent question.  Sometimes things
continue from there, and sometimes not, but the hardest part is
usually the first two sentences exchanged.

Showing your interest is more a matter of *listening* than of
*talking*.  (It's amazing just how interesting *you* can become
to someone by actively listening to them!)  Show yourself through
your (brief!) comments, and be ready to discuss yourself when the
person you are talking with is ready to listen.  Don't ramble,
and don't be too intimate; remember that revealing yourself
implies a request for the other person to reveal themselves
in kind; you'll soon be talking to yourself if you go too far.
Let there be a give-and-take; turn the conversation around
with a non-threatening question after you have made your point.
Or if the other person wants to leave (not necessarily rejection,
mind you!), let them do so quickly, but not after you have
told them how you enjoyed meeting/talking-to/seeing them.

Small-talk is *not* a waste of time, or an act of phoniness.
It is a relaxing verbal `dance', a way of being with a person
without making them feel threatened, a way of building trust.
The act itself has much more value than the mere words exchanged.
It is usually only after both of you are relaxed that any
`meaningful' conversation can take place.

Be patient with yourself, especially if you are working to overcome
shyness.  You're gonna be nervous--it's only natural.  But that
nervousness will last only as long as you remain focused on yourself
and on how you think the other person sees you.  Listen, and enjoy,
and express that enjoyment through your responses and your questions.

		-Ed Hall
		decvax!randvax!edhall