Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP
Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site gatech.UUCP
Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!akgua!gatech!spaf
From: spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spafford)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: several concerns
Message-ID: <6133@gatech.UUCP>
Date: Sun, 15-Apr-84 19:50:49 EST
Article-I.D.: gatech.6133
Posted: Sun Apr 15 19:50:49 1984
Date-Received: Mon, 16-Apr-84 06:49:35 EST
References: <661@pucc-h>, <850@nsc.UUCP>
Organization: The Clouds Project, School of ICS, Georgia Tech
Lines: 66

I think a number of comments I might make are all tied into the same
general comment: don't have too many expectations.  If you're looking
for something particular in a person, you'll probably not only not find
what you're looking for, but you may miss a number of other things you
never considered.

For instance: small talk.  If you take the attitude that you are trying
to play a role or follow some set pattern which requires banal
conversation, then you are likely to miss some things.  Conversation,
especially when sincere and when you really listen, can be very
rewarding BY ITSELF.  If you're just looking to get laid then why
bother relating to the person?  However, if you're interested in
relating to real people, male or female, young or old, then enjoy
conversation.  It doesn't help much if you're looking for a one-night
stand, but it is a great way to make new friends.  Sometimes friends
become lovers, but even if not, it seems that friends sometimes last a
lot longer than lovers do.

For instance: age differences.  If you're looking for maturity or
spontanious behavior, you can't always base it on somebody's age.
Maybe you can use age as a hint, but it isn't always the case.  I've
met some very wise and mature 17 year olds, and I've met some pretty
crazy 40 year olds (and beyond.  I expect to be one such).  Experience
can be gained (break the young ones in your way!), but some basic
traits are there no matter what the age.  Just enjoy the other person
being what they are.  Seek out what they may be instead of trying to
base expectations on their age.  Maybe you bring more experience to the
relationship, and maybe you bring a fresher view of what the
relationship can be, but what is most important is that you bring your
sense of caring and honesty to the relationship. Those can be used to
build a relationship that no amount of time can erode, be it a
difference in ages or the passage of years.

For instance: what to look for in a MOTAS.  Don't look.  Don't expect.
Enjoy the company of people you are with.  Care for people around you.
Don't go hunting for the perfect mate because the act of finding the
object of your desires changes you and thus your desires. (The
Heisenberg-Spafford Principle of Relationships: You can know what you
want, you can know what you have, or you can want what you have, but
you cannot ever have what you know you want. Profound or stupid, take
your pick.)  Anyhow, the air of "predator" changes who you will attract
and impress. Don't carry expectations around where you use them as a
filter to view the world and the people in it -- you lose a lot of the
detail and beauty of what you could really see.  Instead, just be the
kind of person you really want to be -- don't work at impressing
anyone.  Live your life, and don't be surprised if suddenly, without
any real warning, someone tells you you're rather nice in a special
sort of way.  Or perhaps you'll suddenly notice that someone around you
is really very special to you and you just hadn't realized it until
just now. If it takes a while, so what?  If you're really living and
not acting like how you think "bait" should act then you'll be making
the best use of your time and energy.

I can't say that this advice will work for anybody else, but it seems
to apply well for the people around me.  It also has worked for me in
the past and seems to be happening again.  This is sort of a Tao of the
heart -- if you seek to find the way, you will not find the way.  Only
by ignoring the path can you follow it.  Only through having no
expectations can you surpass them.

If I'm so smart, why am I lonely,
-- 
Off the Wall of Gene Spafford
The Clouds Project, School of ICS, Georgia Tech, Atlanta GA 30332
CSNet:	Spaf @ GATech		ARPA:	Spaf.GATech @ CSNet-Relay
uucp:	...!{akgua,allegra,rlgvax,sb1,unmvax,ulysses,ut-sally}!gatech!spaf