Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site druxu.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxl!houxm!hogpc!houxe!drutx!druxu!taw From: taw@druxu.UUCP Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: several concerns Message-ID: <1062@druxu.UUCP> Date: Tue, 17-Apr-84 12:03:08 EST Article-I.D.: druxu.1062 Posted: Tue Apr 17 12:03:08 1984 Date-Received: Wed, 18-Apr-84 07:23:35 EST Organization: AT&T Information Systems Laboratories, Denver Lines: 197 (for the line-eater) Even though I've been reading net.singles for a very long time, I've never posted anything. However, this is the first article that has really bothered me. This is rather long, but it seems I have a lot to say about four different areas. (1) Age -- Maybe I'm way off-base but, evidently, it does bother you, or why even mention it at all? I'm saying this because I used to have the hangup with age. I've been divorced for 3 years and since that time I've dated one guy that is older than I. At first I thought there was something wrong with me; that I must be very immature or some similar thing. But I certainly wouldn't voice those concerns. Instead, I would tell all my friends and family how it didn't make any difference. I was staying "with it". However, after reading a lot of self-image books, listening to some good self-image tapes, going to several personal effectiveness classes, and most importantly, doing a whole lot of soul searching, I find that the only thing abnormal about me is my attitude of something being abnormal. Even though I'm 36, I have a much younger appearance and naturally the younger men would be attracted to me more so than the older ones. Not to mention the fact I, personally, find the men that are 5 or 6 years younger than I seem to be more romantic and have more of a sense of spontaneity, yet are old enough to be settled with life. Of course, individuality plays the biggest part in this. What is good for one could be tragic for another. (2) "My good qualities do not include lots of muscles and lots of self-confidence". Who cares! When I say that, I'm saying the only person this is bothering is you. But then, you're the one that counts to you. God put you here to be the best that you can be. If it's muscles you want.........get them. There are a lot of health spas, gyms, etc, that you can use. If you don't like something about yourself, *DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT*. If you want self-confidence, again, *DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT*. There are numerous self-image books and tapes that, if applied, are great. There are classes you can attend. A good class to start with would be Public Speaking. Use your imagination. But don't, don't, don't just sit there and say "I don't have any self-confidence". All you're doing is confirming to your subconscious that you don't have any self-confidence. (3) "I learned a long time ago that I can't afford to be too choosy". Why not? Who says? You can be as choosy as you like. However, do you *REALLY* know what you like? Have you actually sit down and wrote what you liked? Have you ever backed away from asking a girl out because you just knew she'd refuse? We're all important. Don't you believe you're worth having as much love and care as you give? How much do you give? Only you can answer these questions. They're not really important to anyone but you. Maybe those books, tapes and classes could help in this area also. (4) "In any case, as long as this relationship beats being lonely, and as long as she wants to keep it going, and as long as I don't perceive that I have a chance with someone else I like better, I'll continue to see her. Why not?" Why, indeed. Well, I'll give you 2 reasons why not. 1) YOU 2) HER YOU -- Are you some kind of martyr that you have to be punished? What did you do, that was so bad, that makes you think that you should be punished for the rest of your life? And do you dislike yourself so much that you're willing to accept anyone to keep from having to keep yourself company? Why not do yourself a favor and learn to like you? I'm sure if you looked at yourself real hard, you could come up with several good traits that you'd enjoy expanding upon. HER -- Maybe, just maybe, this girl really cares for you. You say she uses the "cop-out" that "I'm just that way". I have found many people just aren't very affectionate. Even though I'm a very affectionate person, many people just don't return that affection. That doesn't mean they think less of me than I do them. Mostly, it's the environment they grew up in. Many people grew up in an environment where physical affection just wasn't shown. My father is an example, but there could never be a more loving, understanding person. She (your SO), more than likely, falls into this category. And just imagine her hurt if "something better" came along for you. If she's not what you want nor feel you ever will--- do her a favor and leave. I'm sure she's not so lonely that she needs to be just "put up with" until you decide to dump her for something better. No one wants to be use for another's convenience. We *ALL* want to be someone special.