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Path: utzoo!watmath!watcgl!dmmartindale
From: dmmartindale@watcgl.UUCP (Dave Martindale)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: several concerns
Message-ID: <2447@watcgl.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 17-Apr-84 17:11:19 EST
Article-I.D.: watcgl.2447
Posted: Tue Apr 17 17:11:19 1984
Date-Received: Wed, 18-Apr-84 08:04:50 EST
References: <1062@druxu.UUCP>
Organization: U of Waterloo, Ontario
Lines: 67

A few comments on druxu!taw's long article:

	 (2)   "My good	qualities do not include  lots	of  muscles
	       and lots	of self-confidence".

	       Who cares!  When	I say that,  I'm  saying  the  only
	       person  this  is	bothering is you.  But then, you're
	       the one that counts to you.

Well, actually, it counts to two people: the man, and the woman he's
trying to attract.  I am not the muscular type either, and my
self-confidence is not as high as a number of the men around me.
There is not much i WANT to do about it - I'm fairly happy with
the way I am.  I don't LIKE people who are too self-confident.
Now, if I'm in the presence of a woman who seems to like me this
way, that's great.  But if I'm in the presence of a woman who
appears to like men who are muscular, or very self-confident,
or aggressive, or handsome, or something that I'm not, I feel
uncomfortable.  And the latter case occurs rather frequently.

If someone doesn't like themselves, then trying to change what they
don't like is definitely a good recommendation.  But if the problem
is one of a difference between what they are and what other people value,
change is probably not an improvement.  In this case, the best thing
to do is try to find someone who shares your values.

	 (3)   "I learned a long time ago that I can't afford to be
	       too choosy".

	       Why not?	 Who says?  You	can be	as  choosy  as	you
	       like.

Ah, but there is a cost to being "choosy".  In general, for most people,
the more selective you are about your partner, the more time you spend
with none at all.  I believe that when Greg says he "can't afford to
be choosy", he's really saying that he's found that women do not naturally
flock to him in droves, and that under these circumstances he chooses
to be less selective in order to be less lonely, presumably because
the tradeoff is worth it to him.  His statement is a colloquial way
of describing his circumstances, not a statement that he has no
choice in the matter.

	 (4)   "In any case, as	long  as  this	relationship  beats
	       being  lonely,  and  as long as she wants to keep it
	       going, and as long as I don't perceive that I have a
	       chance	with  someone  else  I	like  better,  I'll
	       continue	to see her.  Why not?"

	       Why, indeed.  Well, I'll	give you 2 reasons why not.
	       1) YOU	2) HER

	       YOU -- Are you some kind	of martyr that you have	 to
	       be punished?  .....

	       HER -- Maybe, just maybe, this girl really cares	for
	       you. .....

I'd have to say that, as long as both people involved are honest about
their level of interest, then the choice really must be up to them.
I have found that, for myself, relationships in which one person is
only somewhat interested just do not work.  By choice, I avoid them.
One result is that I do not have a "significant other" most of the time.
I think *I* am happier this way.  But I cannot fault anyone who chooses
to follow some other course - it's their life and I cannot judge what
it is like to be them.

	Dave Martindale