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From: ix900@sdccs6.UUCP (David Sewell)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: Soviet Olympic Withdrawal: the True Story
Message-ID: <1469@sdccs6.UUCP>
Date: Sat, 12-May-84 17:24:34 EDT
Article-I.D.: sdccs6.1469
Posted: Sat May 12 17:24:34 1984
Date-Received: Sun, 13-May-84 08:49:13 EDT
Organization: U.C. San Diego, Computer Center
Lines: 55

LOS ANGELES, May 12, 1984.  --A local investigative team has just
uncovered the real reason for the Soviet withdrawal from the 1984 Summer
Olympics.  Under the provisions of a little-known IOC rule, the City of
Los Angeles, as the host city, was entitled to add up to five new sports
of its choice to the Olympic card, without being required to announce
them until June 1.  Well, it seems that a special task force from Mayor
Bradley's office determined to introduce some events that would insure
gold medals not merely for the U.S., but specifically for California
athletes.  Unfortunately, Soviet intelligence managed to obtain the
list early last week.  Coaches and Kremlin officials alike immediately
agreed that withdrawal was the only possible response in light of the
difficulty of fielding qualified teams.
     Here is the list:

1)  Freestyle rockclimbing.  Half Dome, Yosemite Valley.
      Men's singles, women's singles.

2)  Aerobic dancing.  Beverly Hills.
      Men's, women's singles.
      Women's team.

3)  Skateboarding.
      Men's, Women's Downhill Slalom.  Angeles Crest Highway, Los Angeles.
      Paved-surface distance.   Harbor Freeway, Los Angeles.
          Men's, women's  5, 10, 20 kilometer; 500, 1000 meter sprint.
          Men's 50 kilometer.
      Off-road endurance.  Anza-Borrego Desert.
          Men's 50 kilometer.

4)  Automobile surfing.  San Bernadino.
      Men's, women's singles and doubles.
      [This sport probably requires explanation for non-Californians.
      It was developed by inland teenagers for whom coastal access was a
      problem.  The competitor stands atop the roof of a moving vehicle
      while performing stunts that combine techniques from surfing, skate-
      boarding, and break dancing.  Among the more difficult moves are
      the one-armed handstand and the "high-speed hang-ten," generally 
      performed at freeway speed.  The doubles event features an exciting 
      array of spins and shoulder stands.  While unsanctioned competition 
      is often held at night to avoid detection by authorities, the Olympic 
      event will be held during the day.  As in ice skating, contestants 
      prepare a set of required moves and a free-style performance.  For the 
      Olympics at special point system has been devised that factors difficulty
      of movements and vehicle speed.]

5)  Stroller running.  La Jolla.
      Men's, women's 2, 5, 10 kilometer.
      [Sport developed by fitness-conscious Southern California parents.
      Competitor runs while pushing a loaded baby-stroller.  To avoid possible 
      legal problems, in the Olympic competition 10kg weights will be substi-
      tuted for live babies.]

			David Sewell
			University of California, San Diego
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