Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site decwrl.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!akgua!mcnc!decvax!decwrl!lipp@mariah.DEC From: lipp@mariah.DEC (Nicki Lipp CX01-1/N14 594-2320) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Guide to males (LONG) Message-ID: <146@decwrl.UUCP> Date: Mon, 14-May-84 17:31:12 EDT Article-I.D.: decwrl.146 Posted: Mon May 14 17:31:12 1984 Date-Received: Tue, 15-May-84 02:46:41 EDT Organization: DEC Engineering Network Lines: 318 (MUNCH) Well, folks, now that the warm sunny weather has finally touched the northern hemisphere, and all those dreadful heavy coats have been retired for the season, it is time once again for male watching. I have, however, come across a pocket guide that will make this season's sport much more interesting. The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES (available for perusal in my office) contains "everything you need to identify the males of North America (including Nebraska)" . It includes information about each species' courtship, mating, nest, song, track, and plumage characteristics. Without going into lots of detail, the GUIDE classifies males into seven families of closely related species, within which are various subspecies. The seven species are: Flocking Males Pectoral Males Urban Exotica Suburban Exotica Cranial Males Greenbacks Marginal, Accidental & Endangered Just to give you a hint of what this season's male watchers have in store, I have taken the liberty to include here four subspecies descriptions. So, without further ado, here is an exerpt from Livingston's FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES: ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ SPECIES: Cranial Males SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) Description: Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair. Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast. Plumage: All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars, and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket. Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black plastic digital watch with calculator. Feathering: HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it. Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick. Song: A rather plaintive "Is it up?" Habitat, Range & Nest: Heavily concentrated in central California, Minneapolis, and along Rt. 128 in Massachusetts. Rarely found in rural areas and never anywhere without a mainframe. He tends to be the only inhabitant of an expensive, unimaginatively furnished three-bedroom condominium. One bedroom is totally given over to his million-dollar idea; another serves as a storage area for laundry and garbage. In the living room, drab furniture is arranged around state-of-the-art electronic gear and a large TV with a VCR and automatic rotating antenna. HOMO COMPUTATIS only goes outdoors when travelling to and from work. A night owl, he can often be seen at 1 a.m. walking to his Datsun 280Z or Mazda RX7 in the parking area of any company requiring an ID badge. Courtship & Mating: Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes. Track: Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog. Comments: Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ SPECIES: Cranials SUBSPECIES: The New England Brooks (homo heritage) Description: One of the oldest domesticated species in North America, the New England Brooks is the result of selective breeding, private schools, and fox-trot lessons. Generally large and chunky with oversized teeth and feet, he is aloof and socially selective, making him difficult to approach and almost impossible to take home. Plumage is expensive, tweedy, and loose, with a carefully casual look. On weekends, seen in the company of large, slobbery, pedigree dogs. Plumage: Conservative, often custom-made, gray or blue suits from stores established before the turn of the century. Designed to look rumpled and relaxed, with full cuffs and pocket flaps. Silk ties, tweed jackets, blue blazers with bright brass buttons. Shirts limited to white, blue, or ecru button-down oxfords (sometimes striped on younger specimens). HOMO HERITAGE avoids overt brand insignia except in weekend wear: look for shirts, belts, and shorts with one of three animals - an alligator, a polo pony, or a dead sheep. Footwear is unique. Although many Businessmen imitate the Brooks look, only a true Brooks would wear a fine suit with clunky, heavy-soled shoes laced with a minimum of eight eyelets. They also wear loafers with tassel or penny compartment. The true Brooks has special plumage for every occasion: fly-casting gloves, bird-shooting pants, gardening hats, and a large collection of footwear designed especially for NEB sports - squash, bird watching, country strolling and deck walking. He carries a black umbrella with wooden handle when a 10% chance of precipitation is reported. Only jewelry is a thirty-year-old watch, but he is fond of small, well-made trinkets such as a tiny Swiss Army knife, solid brass miniature compass, or sterling silver pedometer. Feathering: Groomed with tepid tap water, the fully tufted head has a windblown look. Shaves with Caswell Massey shaving soap and a badger bristle brush. Never moustached, but may grow beard for special occasions such as an Amazon barge botanical survey. Song: "I really think...." Because of his regional accent, this is sometimes interpreted as "I rarely think," causing him to be falsely identified with the artist. Habitat, Range & Nest: Indigenous to northeastern United States from Maine to Maryland, but not New Jersey (except Princeton). Frequently roosts in legal firms and banks founded before his grandfather was born. In the city, he nests in neighborhoods built before World War II; in the country he avoids suburbs, preferring villages whose markets stock Pepperidge Farm soups and the Sunday TIMES. Courtship & Mating: Inbreeding a religion. Invariably mates with NEB female whom he courts at dinner parties. He has many young in order to justify the purchase of a fifteen-room house. Fond of wildlife and travel, HOMO HERITAGE will fly 5,000 mile for a 10-second glimpse of the rare Peeglee bird, but prefers to nest within his beloved New England. However, the changing economic climate has forced some Brooks to reluctantly migrate to other areas, where they make weak attempts to adapt -- creating a booming industry for eastern mail-order catalogs. Nest is overstuffed, comfortably worn and antiqued, creating a dark claustrophic environment. Look for family portraits in oils, funiture upholstered in silks, handwoven cottons and leather, as well as oriental rugs, and mate's custom needlepoint pillows depicting the family pet. In kitchen look for cans of vichyssoise soup, Carr's water crackers, and moldy jars of elderberry jam. Track: Well maintained Volvo, Rover or old convertible VW with a lot of dog slobber on the back seat. Comments: Eschewing everything common -- including Tom, Dick, and Harry -- the Brooks generally has two last names such as Ashton Playfair, Livingston Peterson, or Wellington Winthrop, often followed by a roman numeral. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ SPECIES: Urban Exotica SUBSPECIES: The Esquire Strut (homo elegante) Description: The peacock of the male world. Svelte, glossy and impeccably put together, the Esquire Strut can be recognized by his stylish facade and lackluster song. He is common to office towers an fern bars, where he vies for territory with the traditional New England Brooks. Tall and trim. A few short specimens were bagged outside the offices of the William Morris Agency, but no fat struts have ever been officially recorded. A dedicated Europhile who would never be caught dead in an American car or American bathrobe, nevertheless, he draws the line at European culture -- Esquire Struts are never seen at the opera except on business. Plumage: Designer everything. Underwear, cologne, sunglasses, linens, and pocket tweezers all bear the name of French, Italian, and, more recently, Japanese designers. Struts are stylish, but rarely daring, and plumage is at least six months behind that worn by trendsetting members of the Eurotrash family. Usually wears pants without cuffs and slip-on shoes, but no lasting plumage description is possible since he molts with fashion trends. Heavily scented. In addition to his fine suit, the true strut always wears a woman to social events. Feathering: An artificially enhanced natural look, generally short, with minimal sideburns. Use of grooming oils common, but vigorously denied. Struts may tentatively affect New Wave feathering. Song: "Who does your hair?" and "Where do you have your suits pressed?" interspersed with standard business songs such as "take lunch,""another round," and "high six-figures." Habitat, Range & Nest: Found in any city with an ad agency, except Denver. Nest is modern and decorated with whites, primary colors, and the low maintenance plants common to Hilton hotel lobbies. Original signed abstract art in colors to match decor, recessed ceiling lights, Levolors, and Soloflex equipment. Courtship & Mating: Thrives on rotation. Rarely seen with females who are not blue-eyed, thin, and over 5'8" in height. He mates late in life with a female ten years younger or ten times richer. Track: Scent of Barclay cigarettes and citrus cologne. Catalogs from Bloomingdale's. Comments: HOMO ELEGANTE is a relatively new species developed for entertainment during the otherwise dull 50's. In the 60's they were bred for advertising; in the 70's they escaped into the business world. By the 80's they had worked their way up to marketing and are now slowly learning how to speak and think. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ SPECIES: Suburban Exotica SUBSPECIES: The Gold Throated Tanner (homo coke) Description: Slightly paunchy profile, hairy limbs, shirt open to navel, tight pants. HOMO COKE turns a strange shade of brown in the winter due to excessive use of instant tanning lotions. His hairy chest displays multiple gold chains. He knows everyone by name and greets one and all with a big, hearty, salesman's smile. Plumage: Hawaiian shirts (Italian silk on eastern varieties), jeans or slacks at least one size too small, bikini underwear with slogan such as "Brut" or "Rub the Genie." Lots of gold jewelry including a large watch that sings tunes. He sometimes will imitate the extinct Psychedelic Hippie by wearing a beaded necklace, tie-dye T-shirt, and handtooled belt. Feathering: Very heavy. Always blow-dried. Full, wavy, and long on top to cover bald spot. A thick, large moustache popular. Note smell of biotin, jojoba, and other hair stimulants. Top feathering may be removable or acrylic. Song: A medley of "Tell you what,""You bet sweetheart,""Count on it," and "Trust me." Habitat, Range & Nest: Heavily concentrated along the West Coast (including Pasadena), in Las Vegas, Miami, and Akron, Ohio (in July). Also found in any city with a singles bar that doesn't have a cover charge. Snickered out of Boston, Martha's Vineyard, and the entire state of Rhode Island by native Brooks population. HOMO COKE lives in developments with names like Beaver Run, Powderhorn, and Shady Hollow Hills. Nest is characterized by shag rugs, earthtone color-coordinated appliances, refrigerator with ice dispenser, king-size waterbed, elaborate headboard with inset mirrors and speakers. Fond of gadgets -- lights and music that come on with a clap of the hands,, vibrating chair, jockstrap coasters inscribed "For Your Highballs," and mail-order sex paraphernalia in closet. Ceiling mirrors. Courtship & Mating: Always on the make, even in auto registration offices. Gold Throated Tanners gather in large noisy bars on Friday afternoons for breeding and display. Marriage has no visible effect on courtship behavior. Uses video when courting. Track: Binaca mist and Vicks inhalers in bathroom and car, vanity license plates, single-edge razor blades on glass coffee tables. Comments: Many believe the colorful Gold Throated Tanner to be little more than a subspecies of the Common Salesman. Although sometimes seen with red Porsches, yellow Jaguars, or other signs of wealth, he rarely achieves financial stability because sunning, courting, and snorting take up all his time and money. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ So there it is; happy hunting! Your friend in Birdland -- -- Marian. Tue 8-May-1984 10:57 EDT