Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: Notesfiles; site smu.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxl!ihnp4!inuxc!pur-ee!uiucdcs!smu!leff From: leff@smu.UUCP Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: misc. humor - (nf) Message-ID: <13400015@smu.UUCP> Date: Fri, 18-May-84 20:48:00 EDT Article-I.D.: smu.13400015 Posted: Fri May 18 20:48:00 1984 Date-Received: Mon, 21-May-84 04:18:16 EDT Lines: 134 Nf-ID: #N:smu:13400015:000:6484 Nf-From: smu!leff May 18 19:48:00 1984 #N:smu:13400015:000:6484 smu!leff May 18 19:48:00 1984 1) To a person bringing up Forth on a new machine: May the FORTH be with you. 2) Texas license plates (on a BMW) I XCLR8 A WISE 1 C MY CAR A FOR TORI OOPS 2 GRAND 3) To people worried about the Japanese threat to the computer industry: "Try eating a Toyota or microchips." 4) Book titles: "Nothing Can Replace the U. S. Dollar and It Almost Has." "What Kind of Guns do we get for our Butter?" 5) From Kinko's "Professor Publishing Newsletter" Kid 1: "I went to the library to photocopy this book and I saw a sign that said copying of materials may violate the copyright law, so I didn't copy it." Kid 2: "That sounds awfully honest, but what did you do?" Kid 1: "I stole the book." 6) From the Park Cities News Police Report Two suspicious males on bicycles were stopped by a police officer. The bikes were stolen and were returned to their owner. The men were thieves and were returned to jail. 7) From Bowden's Corner, a cartoon in our campus paper: "Count Your Blessings Department" A picture of a large desk with the nameplace, "The Honorable D. Harry." He is talking on the phone and says: "Go ahead Andrupov, Make my Day." 8) Beware of SMOP It's just a "Simple Matter Of Programming" 9) From Wall Street Journal in an article about mules When the last Army mule packing station was closed up in 1956, the men there said that the U. S. would never win another war without its mules. 10) From Datamation When asked to name two stars and a dog, some people answer: 'Rin Tin Tin, Benji and IMS.' 11) Metaphor Dept. a. You know crime is bad when the police have more felony arrests than traffic tickets (This is actually the case on one shift in Ramparts, a high crime area in LA according to U. S. News and World Report) b. as rare as carbon paper in Xerox corporate headquarters (from an ad in Electronics) c. so lucky that when he falls into a pile of excrement, he discovers 45 new species of dung beetle. (from Science 84) 12) Substances, actions or stimuli which promote activity in the pleasure center of a specimen of homo sapiens will either promote obesity, violate legislative proscriptions or violate the mores of that specimen's cultural milieu. 13) From February 1984 SIGPLAN Second Rule of debugging: Any subtle bug requires two people to fix it, only one of which needs to know anything about the problem at hand. 14) Leff's First Rule of Debugging In any non-concurrent program, time to find a single bug is equal to c log n where n is the number of lines in the program and c is inversely proportional to the amount of sleep the person had the night before. 15) A workaholic was asked, 'Why don't you take a day off? Even God took a day off to rest.' He answered, 'I am not as good as God, I need a day to catch up.' 16) Murphy's Law of Studying: a) In order to study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start b) There is no correlation between the amount of preparation a student puts in for an exam and the grade that he/she gets. 17) Leff's First Rule of Programming Don't document the program, program the document 18) Bumper Stickers: a) Ask me about my GrandDog (given by someone to their father when they gave him extra dogs but didn't have any children) b) Nurses are patient people c) Jesus Christ- he did it all for you. d) Of course I'm Drunk. What do you think I am, a stunt driver? e) Christians don't say "good bye", they say "see you later" f) The road to success is always under construction 19) Officer to driver: Don't you know it's illegal to drive while intoxicated? Driver to officer: What was I supposed to do? I was too drunk to walk. 20) If a graduate student works diligently for a year and for one day decides to play rogue, the day the department chairman decides to do a ps and see what's happening can be predicted accurately. 21) Student: I understand that a Ph. D. has to embody an original good idea. Advisor: A Ph. D. must be a new idea; if we also required that it be a good one, we would only give a quarter of as many Ph. D's. 22) From Marilyn Machlowitz' "Workaholics" Shelley Haily, wife of author Arthur Hailey, said "I do everything around here but write the books." A secretary after five years of working exchanged her thick glasses for contacts. Her boss, quick to notice the difference, said 'You don't have your glasses on. How are you going to type for me?' A new word is workaholic is someone seized by something diabolic But no matter what the danger I would like to have one work for me 23) Tale of two professions The gentlemen who developed the LMA automatic reasoning assistant at Argonne used it to prove some new and exciting results in logic. They submitted a journal article discussing the results and the use of the computer to do it. The journal said that they had good mathematical results but that they were not a computer journal and to please remove the computer stuff. A mechanical engineer used REDUCE, a symbolic algebra tool, to prove some significant results in stability of flows. He submitted the result to a mechanical engineering journal including a note about the use of REDUCE as a footnote. A conscientious referee looked at it and proceeded to do the derivations. After a few days of trying to do the calculations by hand, he finally notices the footnote about the use of the computer. He sends back a note to the author to rewrite the paper as a computer applications to mechanical engineering paper. 24) In a recent article about two psychologists studying and treating procrastination, they said that they were the first to study it. "Guess, noone had gotten around it before." 25) Weekend: 1) the part of the week in which we worry about everything we didn't get done the previous Monday thru Friday. Workweek: 1) the part of the week in which we complain about not being able to enjoy the weekend because of everything we didn't get done in the previous week. 2) the part of the week in which we complain about not being able to take the next weekend off because of everything we aren't getting done during the week.