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From: mark@umcp-cs.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.kids
Subject: Re: Loving Kids Too Much
Message-ID: <7102@umcp-cs.UUCP>
Date: Sun, 20-May-84 00:27:50 EDT
Article-I.D.: umcp-cs.7102
Posted: Sun May 20 00:27:50 1984
Date-Received: Mon, 21-May-84 03:42:33 EDT
References: <785@houxm.UUCP> <22800016@uicsl.UUCP>
Organization: Univ. of Maryland, Computer Science Dept.
Lines: 51


	Aside from flip answers, do you have any serious advice for people who
	aren't crazy about their kids?  

No, not really.  But which is cause and which is effect?

	There are kids who, despite being given
	consistent love and attention become unlovable.

This I don't believe.  Quick argument:  define love as really thinking
about someone so as to do what is best for them.  assume that all
children are created more-or-less equal at conception (we are talking
good or bad behavior potential here, not sports ability or test-taking-faking).
Assume that in this country, today, there is plenty of information
about what children and other human beings  need.  Conclusion:
if you are really loving/thinking, with sufficient information,
about your child, they cannot become unlovable.

Argument 2: What does "unloveable" mean, anyway?

	There are parents who
	despite their best efforts discover they weren't cut out to be parents.
	Do you think foster parents are a better situation?

You bet!  Or adoption.  Especially if the situation involves abuse,
child-beating, or worse.  I think these are much more prevalent in our
culture than we are led to believe.

	But I know kids I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy who have
	very caring parents and have lovely siblings. 

I don't believe it.  See argument 1 above.  In every case I have
ever seen of seemingly terrible kids it can be traced to unthinking
parents.  To me, love means thinking, not a lot of other weird things
that pass for it.  I have seen a lot of parents meeting their
own needs to have someone to manipulate/have-power-over, and calling 
that manipulation love.  It may even look like love at a glance,
because there may be lots of fancy clothes, gifts, even "cuddling",
involved.  It isn't love.

Furthermore, it may make a difference WHAT is supposedly unlovable
about a child.  The so-called terrible two's is a good example.
Two year olds are supposed to be "terrible" because they argue,
don't obey, say "why" alot, etc.  This is only terrible if you
are raising a robot.  It is WONDERFUL if you are raising a person.
May my kids (now 2 and 6) always argue, not obey, and say "why" a lot.

I do.
-- 
Spoken: Mark Weiser 	ARPA:	mark@maryland
CSNet:	mark@umcp-cs 	UUCP:	{seismo,allegra}!umcp-cs!mark