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From: pc@hplabsb.UUCP (Patricia Collins)
Newsgroups: net.kids
Subject: Re: Dealing with hate
Message-ID: <2284@hplabsb.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 23-May-84 12:25:32 EDT
Article-I.D.: hplabsb.2284
Posted: Wed May 23 12:25:32 1984
Date-Received: Sat, 26-May-84 12:39:34 EDT
References: <349@bunkerb.UUCP>
Organization: Hewlett Packard Labs, Palo Alto CA
Lines: 37


	I have known a few people who had serious problems with
hating other people (where the hatred got in the way of their
healthy functioning).  The stumbling block seemed to be that they
felt so guilty about their feelings that they could not deal with
them in a constructive way.  
	I think there is a big difference between admitting to yourself 
how you feel and "accepting" (or justifying) you feelings without
any attempt to change.  For the people I've known who were stuck
with hatred, there were two difficult stages in their growth.  The
first was acknowledging their feelings. (I'm not angry with my father
for all of the times he ignored my feelings, after all he was doing
the best he knew how.... VS. I'm angry!  My father ignored me when I
needed his compassion and understanding!)  Then, the difficulty seems
to be in moving passed the hatred.
	I can not go along with the proposition that any feeling/action
is OK if it comes from the heart.  If one can accept one's self and
acknowledge one's feelings, one is free to change.  The next hurdle
is wanting to change.  If the person doesn't get that far (assuming
the feelings/attitudes/actions are "problems" for the person or for
others), at least there is not the schizophrenia to deal with.  If
the person is free to see how his/her actions/feelings affect their
lives, the path to change stays open.

	Enough psycho-philosophy!  More to the immediate point, children
are deeply hurt when they sense they are rejected or unloved.  When
we consent to have children, I believe we accept certain responsbilities
to raise our children as best we know how.  If I could not find it
in myself to love my child, I think I would do whatever I could to
find someone that could love my child and to foster a strong relationship
between those two.  There would still be deep scars (because the parental
relationship is unique in most children's minds), but at least the
child would grow up knowing s/he is lovable and loved.

	And no, I don't think it is OK for someone to just sit back
and wait for their children to leave home while the parents mask or
display their contempt.