Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site gatech.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!akgua!gatech!spaf From: spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spafford) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: To look or not to look...... Message-ID: <6707@gatech.UUCP> Date: Tue, 1-May-84 11:16:05 EDT Article-I.D.: gatech.6707 Posted: Tue May 1 11:16:05 1984 Date-Received: Thu, 3-May-84 07:14:36 EDT References: <7517@decwrl.UUCP> Organization: The Clouds Project, School of ICS, Georgia Tech Lines: 67 Len says that my suggestion not to look is a cop-out. I really don't think so, and neither do the many people who have written to me about what I wrote (some of you folks should really post your thoughts -- they're worthwhile). I'm not advocating that anyone be blind -- if there is something right in front of you that looks possible, go for it. However, the biggest problem (in my opinion) for someone without a current SO (significant other) is how to relax and stop viewing everybody in sight as a "candidate." It doesn't work to go intensively looking for someone -- that kind of attitude will simply scare away the ones in whom you are probably interested. My closing comment about "If I'm so smart, why am I lonely?" was partially in jest. There are times when I've been lonely, but they've passed. What I recommended doesn't cure loneliness nor does it irresitibly attract potential SO's. Instead, it helps take the pressure off of relationships around you so you aren't viewing each new meeting and each friend with a "what about...?" type of attitude. I really believe in what I said, and a number people I know do too. Heck, I think my having that kind of attitude has led to my current relationship. Yup, since I posted that article, romance snuck up behind me and clubbed me over the head. I wasn't out looking for it (especially not where I found it). Instead, I was just trying to be supportive of a friend of mine. The lady sought me out for advice when her boyfriend gave her the old "I need my space and you're not part of it" routine. Everybody comes to Uncle Spaf for advice. Fools. Anyway, I was just trying to be nice and made some comment like "Don't think of it as losing him. Think of it as giving the rest of us a chance." I honestly was not viewing her as anything other than a friend whose ego needed a little boosting. She realized that. She also realized that I was sincere (she *is* nifty), and she thought about why she had sought me out for advice and solace -- I think it is because I bear a resemblance to an Ewok, but she claims it was because she knew I cared and wasn't about to try to take advantage of the situation. Well, after she got her head and heart a little more in order, she started asking me to go out places with her. (More women should do that. We've discussed it before. Why don't more women do it? Ask me out, that is.) I eventually caught on (that's the part about not being blind), and things have caught on. And so on. So what's the moral of the story, boys and girls? I don't know -- I don't have any morals (heh heh heh). Let me just restate my points: The more expectations you have, the harder it will be to meet them. The more you act like a predator, the more you are likely to scare away the (often willing) "prey." Simply being a friend can bring a great deal of comfort, and often more. Live your life the way you would normally; today is the material of tomorrow's memories. Wear clean underwear (not in case of accidents; you might get a surprise invitation to a Crisco party). Plastics. There is a Tao of the heart. In fact, you cannot find the Tao with anything but your heart. When you can find the way by yourself you are ready to walk along with another. No one else can lead you (or carry you!) along your path. And neither can you walk another's. Your own path will lead you everywhere you need once you find it. -- Off the Wall of Gene Spafford The Clouds Project, School of ICS, Georgia Tech, Atlanta GA 30332 CSNet: Spaf @ GATech ARPA: Spaf.GATech @ CSNet-Relay uucp: ...!{akgua,allegra,rlgvax,sb1,unmvax,ulysses,ut-sally}!gatech!spaf "Give me a lever long enough, and a place to stand, and I'll break my lever."