Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site gatech.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!akgua!gatech!spaf From: spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spafford) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Various Topics Message-ID: <7424@gatech.UUCP> Date: Sun, 20-May-84 14:19:33 EDT Article-I.D.: gatech.7424 Posted: Sun May 20 14:19:33 1984 Date-Received: Mon, 21-May-84 07:59:33 EDT Organization: The Clouds Project, School of ICS, Georgia Tech Lines: 102 (Let's see if a fever of 102 can add profundity to my ramblings...) First off, someone started discussion on the topic of "drooling for marriage." I think that's an interesting turn of phrase. Most of the times I've been drooling, I doubt that marriage would have helped, other than provide someone to drool on/with. As it is, having someone to drool on/with is often the cause of the ptyalism itself. (Word for the day: ptyalism, meaning excess production of saliva.) But seriously, folk. Marriage should imply not only that you love the person, but that the other person is someone you trust and in whom you believe. Spending a long time together means dealing with illness, loss, frustration, anger, and sadness as well as all the good things (if you believe those are the good things, there may still be someone just right for you). Seldom do couples actually live happily ever after. Unfortunately, our adolescent view of life as portrayed in TV shows, movies, and books implies that love is enough and love conquers all. You fall in love and are happy ever after. That's why those trashy romance novels are so popular -- it makes it all seem so simple. That's also why divorce happens so often -- living happily ever after takes more work than most people are ready for. When the first rocky time is encountered, the belief is that "we've fallen out of love -- bury it and try again." Giving up is so much easier than working at it. That's not to say that divorce isn't appropriate some of the time. It's just that good relationships don't just happen with love -- they're constantly being built and reinforced. Marriage is different from just two people living together. It is a bond which reminds you that you made a big commitment to try, even when you don't have the energy or the enthusiasm. There may be months that go by when you are overwhelmed by your work and the events of life around you and you may hardly see the other person. Still, you are married to that person and all that that should imply. It means you should continue to try to understand and try to cope. You continue to try despite circumstances that would make a live-in SO pack up and leave because things had gotten too heavy. Marriage can give you that security of knowing the other person won't just walk away forever IF you both understand there will be times like that and you try to make things better. There was a time when I thought I had found someone I could trust and believe in, someone who had the intelligence, humor, and affection to try to deal with whatever came along. I was completely wrong. She gave up far too easily, and broke my trust in a number of ways. Luckily, I found out soon enough. Not everyone is so lucky. It doesn't pay to rush into marriage, even if there is no other way to stop your drooling. Second, Jeff Sargent has posted a couple of articles about desperation and about finding a SO all his own. Many people have responded to those points; the ones by Chuq and by Rsk (the wombat) stick out in my mind, if not my news directory. I wanted to make a comment on it, though. Jeff (and others): Don't be desperate. Don't push. Don't worry that your whole life is passing you by and you'll be lonely for the rest of it. That kind of anxiety doesn't help the situation, nor is it likely that it is an accurate assessment of your future. When the time is right, someone will be there unless you scare them away. Trying too hard and moving too fast are a sure way of frightening away someone special. Desperation comes about because we look around our world and see so many people who seem to be happy. We wonder what it is about us that is keeping us from being happy. Why don't we have wonderful SO's? Why don't we have inner peace and contentment? It's because we aren't really seeing the whole picture. And it's because we want it all NOW. 30 years of bliss with someone may be exactly what I want, but I don't want to wait until I'm 60 to have it. Yet, it just may be that I won't grow enough until then to be ready for such a relationship. As the song says, you can't hurry love. Yet, we try to. We worry about our teeth being white enough, about our shirts being the latest style, we wonder if we are presenting any obnoxious odors to the wayward breezes. We worry about being witty enough, or serious enough, or casual enough, and we try so hard but to no avail. We wonder why; after all, those people in the TV ads have all their social problems clear up once they use the right toothpaste. They even get their ovens clean! Just be the best *you* that you can be. Don't try too hard, and don't worry if no one appears for months (or years). When the right person arrives on the scene, the pain of the past will certainly disappear in the haze of memory. In your case, Jeff, have faith in your God. If you believe yourself to be adhering to his/her principles, how can you possibly be having anything other than a worthwhile life? Do you really believe that you need a woman to reach a state of grace? I prefer to believe in the future. I will continue to be myself. No matter what life should throw at me, I will survive it and grow. And I will attempt to be the best person I can be in the process. Along the way, if I succeed in being what I want to be, someone will notice and appreciate that success. (Actually, I believe someone has. But that's her problem.) But I won't be deperate because that will chase friends away and spoil my enjoyment of life. And I will try to control my drooling. Peace and luck be yours, -- Off the Wall of Gene Spafford The Clouds Project, School of ICS, Georgia Tech, Atlanta GA 30332 CSNet: Spaf @ GATech ARPA: Spaf%GATech @ CSNet-Relay uucp: ...!{akgua,allegra,ihnp4,masscomp,ut-ngp}!gatech!spaf ...!{rlgvax,sb1,uf-cgrl,unmvax,ut-sally}!gatech!spaf