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From: spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spafford)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: old loves die hard...(no, not Triumvirat)
Message-ID: <7595@gatech.UUCP>
Date: Sat, 26-May-84 18:19:12 EDT
Article-I.D.: gatech.7595
Posted: Sat May 26 18:19:12 1984
Date-Received: Fri, 1-Jun-84 21:13:13 EDT
References: <1014@wateng.UUCP>, <67@stat-l>
Organization: The Clouds Project, School of ICS, Georgia Tech
Lines: 57

I think it's been said already, but being friends with a SO after a
break-up really depends on why the relationship broke up (and how it
was done).  I've got a few old friends and lovers (the second doesn't
always imply the first) with whom I have excellent relationships to
this day.  We often talk on the phone, we visit each other when we're
in town, and generally still have the same affection that was there to
begin with.

On the other hand, there are one or two women out there who I don't
hear from at all.  One doesn't hear from me, and it doesn't really
matter about the other one (to me).  That was due to the intensity
and nature of the break-ups.  (I won't go into details, but suffice
it to say that I was a bit of an ass both times, but in the
second case I got done more dirt that I gave. I learned a lot the
hard way.)

Break-ups accompanied by lies and threats are not going to be
good candidates for enduring friendships.  If the split doesn't
have each person demonstrating at least a minimal amount of
respect and honesty, how can those two people expect to deal
with each other as friends later on?

I think that's why some people prefer a lot of distance immediately
after a break -- they are less likely to get themselves into
a state where they might do or say somthing which would cross the
boundaries of civility.  I'm sure many, if not all, of us have
faced situations where things would just be fine if only we weren't
reminded of the problem at an inopportune moment....

So, if you end a relationship with someone and you'd like to be friends
but s/he doesn't, don't push it.  Just be patient.  Let the other
person know your feelings, and give them time to adjust.  Don't push
things.  In a few months, write a short letter to say "hi" and see how
things are going.  Don't forget a card on birthdays and other likely
events.  But don't push it.  Not everybody can adjust to the
situation.  Some feel loss, anger, resentment, and hurt for a long
time.  That's sad, especially after all the things that you two
might have shared, but that's the way people are.  Even if one of you
doesn't throw it all away to begin with, it may just disappear on its
own. 

The key: respect.  Respect the other person's feelings.  During your
split, treat the other person with respect.  During your relationship,
treat the other person with respect.  Things last a lot longer that
way. And, as something to think about:

	After all my erstwhile dear, My no longer cherished,
	Need we say it was not love, Just because it perished?
			--Edna St. Vincent Millay


-- 
Off the Wall of Gene Spafford
The Clouds Project, School of ICS, Georgia Tech, Atlanta GA 30332
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