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From: chabot@amber.DEC (Lisa Chabot)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: staying friends
Message-ID: <657@decwrl.UUCP>
Date: Sat, 26-May-84 23:43:15 EDT
Article-I.D.: decwrl.657
Posted: Sat May 26 23:43:15 1984
Date-Received: Fri, 1-Jun-84 21:19:56 EDT
Organization: DEC Engineering Network
Lines: 43

I'd like to speak up in defense of those who don't want to be close
friends after the couple dissolves.

I think Miss Manners will back me up in this, but anyway, you've really
got to let the other person make their own way.  If the other person wants
some distance, for awhile or for ever, you've got to let go.  Why?  Because
you aren't a couple anymore, and your lives aren't necessarily negotiated
by mutual compromise anymore.  (Or if you're the evil, nasty, overbearing
kind, you can't tell the other person what to do anymore--pardon me, but
I've got personal experience in receiving this and I'm sensitive--but then
if anyone is really evil, they'll go ahead and oppress anyway. :-) )

So look, it's okay, you're okay, it just means the other person may want to go
in another direction.  Frequently people will combine romantic breakups
with developing new interests and/or rejecting old interests, to keep them
from dwelling on old times.  This is perfectly acceptable, self-protecting
behavior.

It's never happy to become distant from those close to you...but it may happen.
Give the other person time, and above all, don't hassel, even after a month or 
so.  It may grow easier with time not to think of needing all that sharing
and friendship that is slipping away.

I'd also like to go over the issue of whether or not the impermanence of the
relationship was obvious to both parties.  This is not an accusation, but
it's awfully hard to know.  Even if the other person seems unsatisfied.  Even
if you had discussions about it.  I've seen oh-so-many cases where one side
was expecting or trying and hoping quietly or unconsciously to change
this--with an attitude of either earning or pleasing the second side (which is
not really a healthy attitude, I know, but if it's coming from the one you
love how can you be harsh?), or with an attitude of keeping up their side of
the bargain despite the known difficulties.  And even if you think you know it
can't last, it can be a real crusher when the end finally comes. 
It may take time and distance to get over crushers.

Not everyone needs the distance.  Some do, in some circumstances.

	Lisa Chabot

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