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From: mokhtar@ubc-vision.CDN (Farzin Mokhtarian)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Marriage, commitment, permanence, seriousness ...
Message-ID: <387@ubc-vision.CDN>
Date: Tue, 29-May-84 22:52:39 EDT
Article-I.D.: ubc-visi.387
Posted: Tue May 29 22:52:39 1984
Date-Received: Sat, 2-Jun-84 07:19:14 EDT
Organization: UBC Vision, Vancouver, B.C., Canada
Lines: 48

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   Why is it that ``being socialized to get married'' is an acceptable reason
when we know that marriage does not nessacarily imply permanence or seriousness
and no-marriage does not nessacarily imply a temporary arrangement? Is ``I get
married because I am socialized to get married'' a reason or an excuse? If it
is ok to get married because one is socialized that way, how about accepting
other situations because of socialization? The modern feminist movement
certainly doesn't think that ``being socialized to ...'' is a very good reason
or their activities would have a different focus.
  
   So what is so different about marriage? What is gained by taking the most 
personal issue between two people (that of a long-term, serious commitment)
and legalizing it? What is good about signing that all important piece of
paper? Who is to say how I should prove my love or seriousness and why should
I do it this way? Certainly we don't believe that things are this way 
because that's how it is (well, maybe some of us do).
   
   Let's try some answers. One good reason can be that the people involved
don't fully and completely trust (getting touchy here) each other. There
wouldn't be a need for written proof if one had complete trust in the other
person. Since the people involved have given up on finding such an ideal
relationship, they want to make sure they won't be used. So why get 
married? It can have advantages depending on what one is looking for.
One does get tired of singles bars. Money can be another reason.
   
   Signing a piece of paper may seem like a minor issue if one finds the 
right person. You might be thinking that it's preserving the love through
everyday life which is important whether you sign it or not, so you might
as well sign to make it socially easier or more acceptable. Well I don't
think it's that easy. I think that as a married couple, two people have
to face the same attitude which made their marriage (seemingly) necessary.
(If they *had* to get married to make it right in the eyes of the parents, 
they must also be this way or that way or act this way or that way to
keep it right). Sounds hopeless? Not so if you can draw the line and keep
it.
  
   I am not advocating divorce for all the married people. Once again, 
signing some more papers won't necessarily mean anything. What is important
is to fight the attitudes which are not quite praiseworthy and threaten to
creep in with time.
	      
   If we use reason whenever it benefits us, we must also accept it when it
doesn't or we are hypocrites. ``Being socialized to'' sounds a bit like
``being programmed to'' and is not a good reason. Not to me.
   
						  Farzin Mokhtarian