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Path: utzoo!watmath!jamcmullan
From: jamcmullan@watmath.UUCP (Judy McMullan)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: socialized to marriage
Message-ID: <7916@watmath.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 31-May-84 16:46:19 EDT
Article-I.D.: watmath.7916
Posted: Thu May 31 16:46:19 1984
Date-Received: Sat, 2-Jun-84 08:33:07 EDT
Organization: U of Waterloo, Ontario
Lines: 57

	>   Why is it that ``being socialized to get married'' is an
	>acceptable reason when we know that marriage does not nessacarily
	>imply permanence or seriousness and no-marriage does not
	>nessacarily imply a temporary arrangement? Is ``I get married
	>because I am socialized to get married'' a reason or an excuse?
	>If it is ok to get married because one is socialized that way,
	>how about accepting other situations because of socialization?
	>The modern feminist movement certainly doesn't think that ``being
	>socialized to ...'' is a very good reason or their activities
	>would have a different focus.

I talked about social reasons for marriage so I would like to answer this one.
There were some others as well with their own slant on the idea.

First let's get one thing straight. Marriage is a purely social phenomenon!!
The ceremony is not a brain operation! The decision to marry and the daily
commitment or lack of commitment to the marriage partner comes from the
person. There is nothing that a marriage ceremony or marriage license can
give to the private relationship.

The fact that one's partner goes through the ceremony can have a particular
meaning and alter one's ideas about the partner's commitment but if we were
in a society without marriage, the couple could still make that vow to one
another through their own initiative. Homosexual couples and people who are
in other types of relationships (strong friends, an adult and a child) have
to form their own structure and vows for binding relationships.
Ideally, the couple that decides to marry has made that vow internally. The
ceremony can't do it for them. Are you with me?

When *I* talked about social reasons for marriage, I am talking about a couple
who has made a commitment (in the head, in the heart wherever you conceive
it to be) to each other and want to live their lives in the social framework
of marriage. To stay together without the eyes of society looking at you
as a 'married couple' is going to be different than if the vow is purely
private. The couple will be treated differently. For example, a lot of
hospitals won't let you visit unless you are 'family' and stuff like that.
That is a disadvantage. There are advantages though. These days, the decision
to marry isn't as automatic as it used to be and couples often think about
whether they want to be treated (sometimes TOO much) as a 'unit'.

However, the ramifications of marriage, once the couple has made the private
commitment, are purely social ones. The legal ceremony has a strong impact
on the way others treat you. My sister and her husband lived together about
two years and were strongly committed to one another. They thought their
friends knew this but suddenly found that the other was accepted by each of
their friends a lot more whole-heartedly once they married. The public
declaration made the difference to OTHERS, not them.

For me, once I have made that private decision, I would prefer to follow it up
with a legal marriage because I think the legal/social advantages of marriage
outweigh the disadvantages.

Anyway, just wanted to clear up what *I* mean when I talk about social reasons
for marriage.

   --from the sssstickkky keyboard of JAM
   ...!{ihnp4|clyde|decvax}!watmath!jamcmullan