Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site teldata.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!mgnetp!ihnp4!zehntel!dual!amd70!decwrl!decvax!ucbvax!ucbcad!tektronix!uw-beaver!teltone!teldata!tac From: tac@teldata.UUCP Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Form Letters and Junk Mail Message-ID: <406@teldata.UUCP> Date: Thu, 21-Jun-84 18:45:04 EDT Article-I.D.: teldata.406 Posted: Thu Jun 21 18:45:04 1984 Date-Received: Thu, 28-Jun-84 02:40:14 EDT Distribution: net.flame Organization: Teltone Corp., Kirkland, WA Lines: 89 , (sop to the blank line eaters--consider it a religious sacrifice) About a month ago my father (a computer illiterate) buttonholed me and bought my lunch in return for advice on buying a computer. Since he retired he has been sending letters (ala a diary) to several friends, relatives and aquaintances. When the number of copies exceeded 20 for each letter he determined that if he could save the photocopying expense the computer would pay for itself. He had also heard about the marvels of text editors. Well, for the money he wanted to spend we determined that a bare bones system from a reputible manufacturer of LOW COST computers would suit him fine. After several more hand typed letters which discussed the wrestling match he was having with the word processor the following arrived in the mail with the explanation that this is what computers are *REALLY* for. When you see <...> it indicates an OBVIOUSLY different font type for the words included. Enjoy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr and Mrs Lucky you, Mr and Mrs , you have been especially selected to receive your opportunity to participate in the FINAL SWEEPSTAKES for a GRAND PRIZE of umpteen skillion dollars, payable RIGHT NOW to the lucky winner. You are so lucky, Mr and Mrs , that I can hardly believe it. Such good fortune can only come to the deserving. And you have earned that title, Mr and Mrs , by being the FIFTY THOUSANDTH person(s) to send me a solicitation letter that meets all the VERY STRICT CRITERIA for selection for this honor. These selection criteria, Mr and Mrs , have been carefully prepared by impartial judges, who are actual members of my household, and the criteria include the following: 1. The solicitation was a form letter, as obvious as a neon lighted outhouse, computer prepared, and not critiqued by any human intelligence. 2. The solicitation addressed its recipient as though he were severely retarded and not quite up to the capabilities of a kindergarten student. 3. The solicitation was addressed to a "sucker list" of people, comprised of anyone who had ever responded to any solicitation whatsoever. As you can see, Mr and Mrs , we have not allowed "just anyone" to participate in this extremely selective award. No, siree, Mr and Mrs , it takes special talent and seldom seen skills to earn the honor of participation in this GRAND PRIZE award. But we here at Households, Unincorporated know how to spot talent when we see it day after day in the second class mail. And you, Mr and Mrs , have got that special talent in spades. Therefore, it is with great pride, Mr and Mrs , that we are going to allow you to participate in the FINAL SWEEPSTAKES for the GRAND PRIZE and the title of "Companie d'Posterior-Equine"! All you need do, Mr and Mrs , to be sure you are not eliminated from the GRAND PRIZE award, is to send five thousand dollars to the undersigned by next Thursday. Of course, the laws prevent us from insisting on receipt of the cash for your participation. You merely send us your name, or a reasonable facsimile thereof. But we all know what happens to that kind of entry, don't we. Therefore, we will be expecting to receive your check in the amount mentioned above, by WEDNESDAY EVENING at the latest, to insure your chance to win the GRAND PRIZE in this FINAL SWEEPSTAKES. Good luck to you, Mr and Mrs , and don't bother putting a return address on your entry. All contributions are final and the decision of the judges is predetermined. Many thanks for your repetitious participation, John Doe Blohard Executive Director ------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife tells me I am behaving like a proud parent, but I'll not let that deter me. If enough of us send copies of this to RD and all of the others maybe they will lay off. From the (Electronic) Soapbox of Tom Condon (and Papa) {...!uw-beaver!teltone!teldata!tac} A Fan Letter A Day Keeps The Junk Mail At Bay. DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed herein are those of everyone who matters, but not necessarily anyone you know, and most certainly not my employers!