Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site decwrl.UUCP Path: utzoo!linus!decvax!decwrl!dec-rhea!dec-coevax!murf From: murf@coevax.DEC (MURF) Newsgroups: net.flame,net.jokes Subject: May be offensive to UNIX Users - PLEASE read! Message-ID: <2404@decwrl.UUCP> Date: Mon, 9-Jul-84 13:50:06 EDT Article-I.D.: decwrl.2404 Posted: Mon Jul 9 13:50:06 1984 Date-Received: Tue, 10-Jul-84 07:31:16 EDT Sender: daemon@decwrl.UUCP Organization: DEC Engineering Network Lines: 101 In regards to some recent flames/jokes about VMS from UNIX Lovers: - Questions and answers about UNIX - Q: How many support people are needed to maintain a UNIX system? A: 3 support people for every user! Q: How many support people are needed to run UNIX efficiently A: None! It never has, never will! Q: How come UNIX is so bulky? A: Patches,patches,patches! Q: What's the difference between UNIX and a bucket of shit? A: Why the bucket of course! How come when you look up "ARCANE" in the dictionary its pronounced U-knicks? Q: What is the second shortest book about computers? A: The list of good, standardized, UNIX documentation. Q: The shortest book? A: Why of course, the list of UNIX user friendly features. Of course there are some longer items written about UNIX. These are mostly about the bugs UNIX has in its various flavors. Q: How many different nets are there specifically for bugs on UNIX? A: The number grows with each new release.... Q: Why do UNIX users balk at fixing bugs? A: Because so many UNIX programs depend on the bugs! Q: How do you close a file on UNIX and not have it bomb the Device driver? A: Don't open it to begin with. Q: How come the "TR" command on UNIX is very important? A: Because its the only command that works really well! Q: What is a UNIX support person sitting in a tree wearing a 3-Pc suit? A: A branch manager! Q: How do you do inter-job communication on UNIX? A: Call the phone company; they wrote it they should be able to Communicate with it. Q: Will UNIX run anywhere? A: No, but it will crash anytime anywhere... Q: Whats the difference between Guppys and Children processes on UNIX? A: Guppys eat their children, on UNIX the Children can eat the parents! Q: How can you get help on a UNIX system? A: Just scream "HELP" and some feeble support dubba will come running! Q: What do you have when you run UNIX on a VAX? A: A "Bad PDP-11/40" since UNIX ignores the FPA and virtual memory Here is a quote from an article by D. M. Ritchie and K. Thompson, two of the original developers of Unix. This article comes from vol 57, no. 6 of the Bell System Technical Journal. This particular volume of the B.S.T.J. is considered by many to be the Unix "Bible". In this quote they are talking about the way that the file system handles (or refuses to handle) data contention: "The file system maintains no locks visible to the user, nor is there any restriction on the number of users who may have a file open for reading or writing. Although it is possible for the contents of a file to become scrambled when two users write on it simultaneously, in practice difficulties do not arise. We take the view that locks are neither necessary nor sufficient, in our environment, to prevent interference between users of the same file. They are unnecessary because we are not faced with large, single-file data bases maintained by independent processes (gak! - Ed). They are insufficient because locks in the ordinary sense, whereby one user is prevented from writing on a file that another user is reading, cannot prevent confusion when, for example, both users are editing a file with an editor that makes a copy of the file being edited." VMS may not be a perfect OS, but it sure beats an OS with many fatal bugs. ("You mean that's not a feature? We've been running the SPELL function for years for the effect of crashing the system...") When you UNIX folks are ready for a REAL operating system, try VMS! VMS will live forever! UNIX Universal Necrophiliac Intercourse eXtension !decwrl!rhea!coevax [Murf,Croteau,Lemaire,Ryan] "people who have known and hated UNIX" UNIX Is a tradmark of Bell Labs. VAX,VMS Is a tradmark of Digital Equipment Corporation. P.S. Feel free to reply (If your version of UNIX can stay up long enough).