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From: judy@ism780.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: The 'kiss of death -or- In defence o - (nf)
Message-ID: <295@ism780.UUCP>
Date: Sat, 14-Jul-84 00:29:29 EDT
Article-I.D.: ism780.295
Posted: Sat Jul 14 00:29:29 1984
Date-Received: Tue, 10-Jul-84 01:18:49 EDT
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#R:stolaf:-175600:ism780:13000013:000:3262
ism780!judy    Jul  6 16:46:00 1984

>But what about the "virile men" that have very un-virile, "nice",
>even shy personalities?

I believe my statement was that I LUST after verile men.  Lust is only
one aspect of any relationship (and one I usually don't act on solely).
Therefore, I was referring only to the physical attractiveness of physical
attributes.  "Not the basis for a relationship, but a good place to start."

>...I try to sublimate those areas [opinionatedness] in consideration for that
>other person.  Several people have seen that as the negative attribute
>of "niceness", and felt that it was safe to proceed to stomp my face in
>the ground, discovering in the process, that rarely seen caldron of
>fuming retribution just aching for release.

I would NEVER advocate sublimation of yourself.  It is sublimation of a
part of your personality which causes the "cauldron of fuming retribution"
to come hurling from you at what may seem to the other person the most
irrational times.

I was taught the word "contain" as a semantic change from control when dealing
with emotions.  If you are containing your need to blast at someone because
it is inapporpriate, you will be intensely aware of your feelings and
your behavior will still be civil.  Contained emotions can be ventilated at
a later time, when it is appropriate.  What you are doing is more the control
method.  I won't feel this way.  I won't feel this way.  I won't...HOW DARE
YOU MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY.

Therefore, your attempts to be nice are truely fake.  You are acting in
defiance of your feelings.

>The point is, is that truly "nice people" have the most backbone of
>anyone, mostly because they've probably spent a lot of time dealing with
>their own sh*theadedness, than with other's.

[Pardon me for correcting your grammar, but the above sentence really
doesn't make sense - than with other's what?  Good grammar makes communication
easier].

You are mistaking being "nice" with being humble.  From Websters:
"nice (adj.) coy, reticent, socially acceptable".
A person who admits his own sh*theadedness and realizes it when dealing
with others is not being coy or even socially acceptable.  He is being
a reasonable person.  I am attacking the "I'll do or say anything to make
you like me" type of nice which means socially acceptable.

>Another main reason for their "niceness" is that
>they value real friendship a lot more than the others, and are often
>willing to pay a high price for it. (often, namely, their pride).

The high price here is really a form of chameleonship.  The ability (again)
to say or do anything to make you like me.  This is the essence of
spinelessness.  And you will probably have a different opinion depending
upon whom you were with last.  This is also, however, a tendency of youth
and is often outgrown as a sense of self gives the person the
confidence to know he is liked without having to change colors with each
new person.

Here's a test for you.  Check out your behavior in various situations.
Do you behave consistently in different social situations.  If so, then
you have a well developed character and some backbone.  If not, then perhaps
you are too "nice" for your own good.  If you are under 25, however,
disregard this advice and give yourself a chance to grow.