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Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxl!ihnp4!nsc!chuqui
From: chuqui@nsc.UUCP (Chuq Von Rospach)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: pedestalization (and more)
Message-ID: <1169@nsc.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 11-Jul-84 03:24:03 EDT
Article-I.D.: nsc.1169
Posted: Wed Jul 11 03:24:03 1984
Date-Received: Thu, 12-Jul-84 03:15:28 EDT
References: <1156@nsc.UUCP> <2092@rlgvax.UUCP>
Organization: The Warlocks Cave
Lines: 73

>= chuq
$ = dave maxey

$1. I like to be nice, I try to be nice, and I try to be patient. But I am also
$stubborn and obstinate, and I'm not going to let someone say something totally
$against my moral beliefs, without debate. I will, of course, be as diplomatic
$as possible. Being perniciously pedantic never served to convince someone to
$your cause.

I don't understand what I said that was against your moral beliefs. That I
am soon to be un-married? I don't think that I was being perniciously
pedantic about anything. I think that Jeff need to talk to someone about
his fears and problems because I see them starting to form new fears and
problems. Until recently I saw old fears going away, which is just the
opposite of what is happening now. This is from a combination of the
material on the network and some rather in depth private discussion. I care
a lot about Jeff, enough to risk losing his friendship by suggesting that
he has hit a point he can't handle without help.

$2. Many single people are afraid of marriage. Perhaps one good reason is
$because they see so many who have tried and failed. The emotional wreck that
$can leave someone in, is all too visable to those around the person.

Many married people are afraid of marriage. Many single people are afraid
of snakes. It means about the same. Failure happens to be a fact of life.
If you don't fail once in a while, you either aren't living or you're
perfect. Either way I don't think you've got a good perspective on things.
If they made it as hard to GET married as they do to get divorced there
would be MANY fewer divorces. I firmly believe that there is a priority
here severely messed up.

$ Also, the
$simple fact that they've failed once, is good indication that if they get
$married again they have a greater chance of failing again. Even if you don't
$have sound religious reasons for believing in one mate for life, and I do,
$the results of seeing the difference between a marraige that fails and one
$that succeeds, should be convincing enough.

Just for your information, second marriages fail much less often (the
latest figures I've seen are ~70% failures for first marriages, ~60% for
second marriages) than first ones. That invalidates your comment about
that. I don't have sound religious reasons for staying married to one mate
for life. I do have strong personal reasons why I WANT to, though. I also
don't have the problem of a strong and arbitrary dogmatism forcing me into
staying in a relationship that caused a lot of pain for both parties
involved. We are now both free to try again and get it right, and we are
actually better friends now than we were before we split up, and both
enjoying life significantly more.

$As
$a soon-to-be-officially-ex-married person, who has been on both sides and
$back again, do you really think you are qualified to tell someone who is
$single that they have serious misconceptions about relationships, the
$opposite sex and marriage?

Yes. For a number of reasons, not the least of which is that I have
experience in relationships with the opposite sex (quiet in the peanut
gallery...) and in marriage. The fact that the marriage did not last
forever does not invalidate what I learned from it... Quite the opposite,
actually, because I have a good grounding in what NOT to do in my next
relationship. I also have worked with a number of people on various levels
helping them through their problems and I have a fair amount of practical
experience at it.

chuq

-- 
From the ledge of the seventh cornice:			Chuq Von Rospach
{amd,fortune,hplabs,ihnp4}!nsc!chuqui			(408) 733-2600 x242

{The meadow party is coming July 14th! Hide the women and sheep!}

C'mon baby let the good times roll!