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From: alan@allegra.UUCP (Alan S. Driscoll)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: sense (as in 'common')
Message-ID: <2613@allegra.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 17-Jul-84 15:41:54 EDT
Article-I.D.: allegra.2613
Posted: Tue Jul 17 15:41:54 1984
Date-Received: Wed, 18-Jul-84 02:56:26 EDT
References: <2646@ncsu.UUCP>, <841@pucc-h>
Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories, Murray Hill
Lines: 48

[ Wow!  I'm actually posting an article about something else.  :-) ]

>>	 jeff, i find that i must agree with everyone who has said that
>> trying too hard, can be self-defeating.  the best way that i have seen
>> of finding an 'SO', is to simply meet MOTOS with the intention of being
>> *friends*.  don't go looking for a relationship as such, because it will
>> show and maybe put others off.  look for friends and give others a chance
>> to get to know you first.	then you'll have friends as well as possible
>> girl-friends.

>I know, I know!  I've been trying to be more laid-back and to force down my
>reluctant throat the fact that even young women who seem perfect ("undamaged"
>is the word I like) may also have their problems, so the fact that I still am
>not perfect is not going to automatically condemn me to rejection.  (Not that
>I have the slightest intention of letting my remaining insufficiencies and
>imperfections remain; but I'm gradually getting less uptight about them.)

Jeff, the idea of "trying to be more laid-back" is a contradiction.
Laid-back means not trying.

As a musician, I find that things never come off well when I try too
hard.  Effort causes tension.  If I'm physically tense, I can't play
smoothly.  If I'm emotionally tense, I can't be expressive.

There's a delicate balance involved.  Without effort, I'm not going
to develop the skills I want on my instrument.  Without non-effort,
I'm not going to be able to use those skills to make real music (as
opposed to sequences of notes).  I put my time in doing exercises,
but the real enjoyment is in improvising.

I think relationships are much the same.  Growth requires effort and
introspection, but if you're always being heavy and melodramatic, and
analyzing everything, who's going to want to be around you?  The best
moments are spontaneous (i.e., improvised).

The original advice was very good.  Lighten up, and see how it effects
your interactions with people.

[ Q: How many Zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?

  A: Three.  One to change the lightbulb, one not to change the
  lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change it. ]

-- 

	Alan S. Driscoll
	AT&T Bell Laboratories