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From: ajs@hpfcla.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.kids
Subject: Re: Is It Nice?
Message-ID: <32700011@hpfcla.UUCP>
Date: Sat, 11-Aug-84 15:01:00 EDT
Article-I.D.: hpfcla.32700011
Posted: Sat Aug 11 15:01:00 1984
Date-Received: Sat, 1-Sep-84 11:34:40 EDT
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Organization: Hewlett-Packard - Fort Collins, CO
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Nf-From: hpfcla!ajs    Aug 27 11:01:00 1984


>   1.  Did you "always" want children, or did something convince you at
> some time that it would be nice (or whatever modifier you prefer here)
> to become a parent?

We both knew that someday we would have  children,  but were in no rush.
(Having  children  is indeed one of the few major,  nearly  irreversible
life-long  commitments.  I  don't  know  of any  good  way to  make  the
decision except, ultimately, your gut feelings on the subject.  Meditate
on it, imagine it, feel it, then decide.)

>   2.  If something DID convince you, what was it?

In our case, the time just seemed right, and in  retrospect,  so it was.
Knowing we wanted to live the rest of our lives as  parents in a family,
and as members of a chain of  generations,  the question  wasn't IF, but
WHEN.  And  "when"  was,  when  we were  old  enough,  but not too  old.
(Obviously, a very subjective criteria -- as it should be.)

> And as a corollary of those questions, this third one:  If one half of
> a couple wants children and the other doesn't (or doesn't KNOW), what
> should be done?

In our case we went through times when one of us was ready and the other
not, and  (amusingly)  switched  positions  at least once.  There was no
hurry, though, so we waited until both of us were ready.  My advice:  If
you can afford to wait, do so.  People's feelings change over time.

Now some  digression...  It's human nature to seek reassurance  that one
is doing the "right"  thing.  People  without  children are reassured by
others who choose not to reproduce,  and are perhaps made  uncomfortable
by peers with  children.  The corollary is surely true for people who do
have children.  I don't think either choice is "righter" than the other;
it is very much a subjective situation.

So how do you make the  choice, and be  comfortable  with it?  First, be
aware of this basic  irony, so as to take it  lightly.  Don't  worry too
much  about  what  other  people  do.  Instead,  be sure that you can be
comfortable  with your  decision.  Whatever  path you  choose,  make the
choice conciously, and then have no regrets.

One more point to consider:  If you don't have  children, you will never
know  whether or not you should have.  If you do, you will at least have
had the  experience.  I suspect that the  decision NOT to reproduce is a
harder one to be sure of!

Alan Silverstein