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From: edhall@randvax.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.singles,net.women
Subject: Re: Trish revisited, calmly
Message-ID: <1947@randvax.UUCP>
Date: Mon, 27-Aug-84 20:41:49 EDT
Article-I.D.: randvax.1947
Posted: Mon Aug 27 20:41:49 1984
Date-Received: Thu, 30-Aug-84 12:03:16 EDT
References: <977@pucc-h>, <992@pucc-h>, <1166@ihuxq.UUCP>
Organization: Rand Corp., Santa Monica
Lines: 43

Hold on a minute, folks.  Before you jump down Jeff's throat, look
for the *context* of what he is saying.  I found his comments on the
similarity between the traditional attitudes towards women and
Christian mythology to be extremely insightful.  (NOTE: I am not
passing judgement on the validity of Christian belief by my use
of the word ``mythology''--mythology does *not* equal fiction.)
He didn't say that all men felt the way he described, or even that
he necessarily felt that way himself.

That some men are looking for an SO to ``forgive'' them is simply a
statement of fact.  That some men want their SO's to be ``pure''
is another fact.  I've met men who fit one or both of these--enough
men to say that perhaps these things are an ingrained part of our
culture.  And I think the ``light'' and ``dark'' sides are connected:
in order to ``grant absolution'' a woman must be ``pure''.  Is the
sexual revolution so complete that even more traditional men no
longer desire virgin brides?  Hardly.  The double standard still
lives here, as well as in our attitudes toward infidelity.

Guilt is still such a large element of our culture that Jeff's
observations should come as no surprise to anyone.  Throwing off
the bindings of childhood-inculcated guilt feelings can be one
of the most difficult tasks of a lifetime.  Trivializing this
by saying it is ``irrational'' and therefore no problem does no
good whatever.  Using an SO to help loosen these binds of guilt
makes a certain amount of sense, since intimate relationships
often take the place of the prototypes provided by parental
relationships.  (For instance, lots of men seem to be looking
for someone to continue mothering them.)  This is an unhealthy
solution to an unhealthy problem, perhaps, though I sometimes
wonder if such ``unhealthy'' things might not be natural phases
in a process of personal growth.  And, as a non-believer myself,
I can still see the usefulness in having God ``help'' free oneself
from guilt; if this works, isn't it far better than using another
human being for the same thing?

I was surprised at the gross intolerance displayed by some of the
people who replied to Jeff's article.  Chuq in particular usually
displays far more compassion than he did here.  He and I have
discussed the problem of guilt before, and I know he knows better.

		-Ed Hall
		decvax!randvax!edhall