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From: hbb@houxt.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Losing MOTOS Friends to Marriage
Message-ID: <468@houxt.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 4-Sep-84 15:38:56 EDT
Article-I.D.: houxt.468
Posted: Tue Sep  4 15:38:56 1984
Date-Received: Thu, 6-Sep-84 03:23:42 EDT
References: <811@abnjh.UUCP>
Organization: ATT Information Systems, Holmdel NJ
Lines: 45

This  is  in  response to Jim Collymore's article about losing or
reducing contact with friends who marry.

I suggest that the  phenomenon  isn't  limited  to  MOTOS  and  I
believe it is not based on specific negative feelings on the part
of the friend's spouse (like jealousy.  I  admit  that  it  could
happen, though.)

I have had similar experiences with friends who have married  and
with  whom I subsequently communicated with less often. I believe
that the reasons behind the change in our style  of  contact  had
more  to  do with myself and my friend than the new member of the
'family'. It  may  also  have  more  to  do  with  the  basis  of
friendships in general.

>From my standpoint, the  friend  was  someone  with  whom  I  had
developed  a  rapport - something that occurs with time. Although
the spouse may be a  nice  person,  the  relationship  with  that
person  has  not  had  the same opportunity to develope. Hence, I
feel less comfortable around this person. It is quite likely that
the other person  feels  similarly  about me.

If that's the case, perhaps my friend  is  trying  to  avoid  the
uncomfortable situation. It may be more a  subconscious  decision
to  solve  the problem this way, as  opposed  to  increasing  the
contact and thereby eliminating the  problem through familiarity.
On the other hand,  if it  turns out  that I don't get along with
the spouse, that could aggravate the situation.

Another possibilty could be that when my friend  was  single,  we
could  devote more attention to each other and were much freer to
make decisions about activities and so forth.  Now,  however,  my
friend  has  turned  into twins! If the three of us are together,
somebody misses out on the "action" in some  way  or  another.  I
don't   like   to  slight  anyone,  neither do I appreciate being
slighted myself. Although people try to be  understanding   about
these  things,  it  isn't always easy (or possible.)

For this reason (and possibly others I haven't even thought  of,)
it   is possible  that my friend and his spouse have sought a new
type of friend - one that comes in  pairs  (eg:  another  married
couple.)
-- 
Harlan B. Braude
{most "backbone" sites}!houxt!hbb