Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: Notesfiles $Revision: 1.6.2.17 $; site smu.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxj!ihnp4!inuxc!pur-ee!uiucdcs!smu!leff From: leff@smu.UUCP Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: misc. humor Message-ID: <13400018@smu.UUCP> Date: Tue, 23-Oct-84 08:59:00 EDT Article-I.D.: smu.13400018 Posted: Tue Oct 23 08:59:00 1984 Date-Received: Thu, 25-Oct-84 03:13:06 EDT Lines: 446 Nf-ID: #N:smu:13400018:000:18594 Nf-From: smu!leff Oct 23 07:59:00 1984 --------------------------------------------------------------------------- From Daniel R. Rehak, L. A. Lopez Computer Aided Engineering Problems and Prospects We keep talking about it. We say we want it. WE say we are going to do it. But we never make any real progress. Maybe it is hard. Maybe we are afraid of it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Don't think about why you are doing what you are doing. You may stop doing it! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Student : I have all these tests coming up. Professor : Good excuse to learn the material! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- from SCIENCE 84 1. A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. 2. When the head of Learjet received a complaint that a six foot person could not stand erect in one of his airplanes, he responded that one cannot stand in a Rolls Royce either. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- from Parade magazine Howard is a great watchdog. He watched the last three burglaries at our house. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- When you ask someone to send something to you airmail and it doesn't arrive in a week , tell him you didn't mean dirigible service. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Where are we? Well, you are on the road to tommorrow and here is today. It is a nice place to visit but you can't stay here for long. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Seen in a local apartment complex: Extermination is provided on 1 and 3rd. If we are unable to gain access, or the room is not properly prepared, your apartment will not be treated. This includes covering all dishes, etc. etc. Those tenants who need to be exterminated, call the management office. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Seen in my dentists office. One alternative to flossing daily: A large picture of a denture in a glass ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Three people, an advertising agent, a marketing manager and an engineer are scheduled to die by the guillotine. The advertising agent is called up and is asked, "Face up or face down." He says face down, is put in the guillotine. But to the astonishment of the crowd the guillotine stops an inch from his neck. Since this must be a sign from God that he is not guilty, he is released. The marketing manager is called up. "Face up or face down?" He says face down and is put on the guillotine. Again, the guillotine blade stops an inch from his neck. Again, as everyone agrees a miracle happened, he is released. The engineer is called up. "Face up or face down?" The engineer says, "I will take it like a man; Face up." So he is put in the guillotine when he says, "Excuse me sir, there appears to be a problem with your mechanism." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- From Dr. Matula: A computer scientist is sentenced to death. The judge says, "You will be brought to death on one of the next seven afternoons. However, on the morning of the day you are scheduled to die you will not be able to predict whether or not you will die. If anything I just said turns out to be not true, you will go free." He is taken to his cell where thinks: "Well, on the seventh morning, I could predict that would be the day since no other days remain. Thus it cannot be the seventh day. Now, then since I can't be executed on the seventh day, on the sixth day I would know that would be the day I would be executed. But then I can't be killed on the sixth or the seventh day. So if I am allowed to live to the fifth day, I know that must be the day. But then I can't be killed on the fifth day. Carrying this reasoning back to the next afternoon, I cannot be killed. I guess I will take these next seven days to think about some good programs and then I can go back home." Smiling cheerfully, not suspecting a thing, he is taken from his cell the fifth afternoon and executed. What was wrong with the computer scientist's logic? (The answer is not, "the executioner finked out on his promise.") ------------------------------------------------------------------------- From Jeff Bauer In a kingdom, two twins were born to the King. Unfortunately, the midwife forgot to mark which of the two children was born first so it was unclear who was to inherit the kingdom. As the king was getting old, he decided to use a horse race to determine which of the two twins would inherit the empire. Anyway, the entire kingdom is crowded around the racetrack to watch the event. However, the king was somewhat eccentric so he sets the rules of the race as follows: The race is to the tree down yonder and back. The person whose horse gets back LAST to the finish line will win the race. So the first twin has his horse move a step, then a few minutes later the next twin's horse moves a step. Then a few minutes later the first twin has his horse move another step. Finally late at night, the two reach the tree. Being that they were both tired, they get off their horses and lie down to sleep for a few hours. Then one twin jumps on horse and starts to race back to the finish line followed by the other just as madly. Why did they do that? ------------------------------------------------------------------------- From Dallas Morning News Fritz Mondale asked John Zacarro (Ferraro's husband) how he liked playing second fiddle to such a successful attractive intelligent female. John Zacarro replied, "You'll get used to it." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ From Wall Street Journal A wag said that Fritz Mondale is going to need to take up speed reading to read all the promises he is making before the election. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- From Modern Maturity The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell, the dog walked on the surface ofthe water, retrieved the duck and returned it to his master. "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." . Born diplomat: someone who remembers your birthdays, but forgets how many you've had. . Father to teen-aged son' "You should run for the legislature. You're terrific at introducing all types of bills into the house." . The secretary cleaned out her files and stacked all the discards in two boxes. She placed a sign on them saying "Rubbish." But the next day they were still there. So she put on a new sign saying, "Garbage, waste, refuse; please remove." The next day it was still there, but with a note: "Cannot remove unless marked trash.'" . Newly married man to his friends: "My wife treats me like a Greek god; she keeps giving me burnt offerings." . A man was driving down the street with his car full of penguins. A patrol car stopped him and the officer said, "You can't carry penguins around like this; take them to the zoo." The next day the officer saw the same car with the same penguins. This time they were all wearing sunglasses. "I thought I told you to take these animals to the zoo," he told the driver. "I did. And they liked it so much that I'm taking them to the beach today." . Wife to husband selecting a loud sports jacket he'd just purchased against her wishes: "That tie might go with the jacket, but I'll tell you something that won't go with that monstrosity -- me!" . Old-timer: grandfather clock. . Advise to politicians speaking on the campaign trail: "Keep it short for pithy sake." . Strange: "Parents spend $40,000 to put a son through college and all they get is a quarterback." . "I don't think my wife understands me. Does yours?" "I doubt it, I've never heard her mention your name." . The young couple had gone right from the wedding to the photographer and asked that he rush the proofs to them. When the large envelope arrived the next day, inside were several proofs showing an infant in various poses. The accompanying note said, "Please let me know what size you want and how many." . When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper. . A tired but devoted football fan spent Monday night watching the game. He fell asleep in front of the television set and slept through the night. Next morning, his wife, worried that he'd be late for work, shook him awake syaing, "Dear, it's 20 to seven." "In whose favor?" he asked. . World's loudest sound: the first rattle in the new car. . For over two hours, the distinguished economist addresed the audience on the workings of our economic system. When he finished, the chairman summed up the speech, "What our guest has been saying is that if your outgo exceeds your income, your upkeep will be your downfall." --------------------------------------------------- From Dallas Morning News IN ALL PROBABILITY Statisticians gamble at Atlantic City casinos and lose By Craig Stock It might have been a casino executive's nightmare -- seven busloads of statisticians rolling up outside CAesars casino. Nearly 350 cool, analytical minds, trained in probability theory, had boarded the bus last Wednesday evening outside the Wyndham Franklin Plaza Hotel in Philadelphia, headquarters for the annual meetings of the American Statistical Association. After three days of seminars, lectures and research papers on such topics as "Bivariate Regression: Problems and Alternatives," and "Iterative Techniques for Parametric Estimation", the statisticians were primed for a road trip. One of the convention's hosts, Temple University Professor Boris Iglewicz, had helped arrange for the seven buses, and demand for seats were strong. Statistically put, more than 10 per cent of the 3,300 statisticians at the convention headed for the slots and gaming tables. Among the riders on one bus was Roslyn Stone, a doctoral candidate in biostatistics at the University of Washington in Seattle. Before getting into statistics, Ms. Stone, who is from Pennsauken, N. J. had some experience with what her colleagues called "applied probability theory." She dealt blackjack at Harvey's Resort Hotel & Casino in Lake Tahoe, Nev., for about a year and a half in the mid-1970's. Her experience on the house side of gambling convinced her that Caesars and the other casinos had little to fear from the seven busloads of conventioneers. The mood was a bit more hopeful as a group walked along Arkansas Avenue toward the entrace to Caesars. Hope quickly evaporated for BArbara Metch, a statistician at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle. The $10 roll of quarters she received as part of the bus package disappeared rapidly in a Caesars slot machine. Later, on the floor at Caesars, Glen Houston, a statistician for NASA at the Kennedy Space Center in HOuston, approached Ms. Stone and Ms. Metch, held out his hands and gave a slap in the manner of a basketball player who has just executed a key slam dunk. "Did you win?" Ms. Stone asked. "Seventy-five dolalrs. At the Golden Nugget," Houston said. "What was your strategy?" she asked. "Win," he said. Ms. Stone played the slots for an hour or so with the casino's $10.00, breaking even, then cahsed in the coins for two $5 chips. Those she lost at blackjack. At midnight, as the bus pulled away from the Boardwalk, a quick survey was taken. Only 10 percent -- five of the 50 passengers on the bus -- said they had won at the casinos. Although the survey, as a couple of statisticians cautioned, was not scientifically unbiased, it seemed a clear indication that the gaming industry was unscathed by the onslaught of probability experts. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- From Bits and Pieces 1. Success isn't how far you got, but the distance you traveled from where you started. 2. The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are working for someone else 3. Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life. 4. A man was elected president of a large company. ONe of the older directors said, "So now you are president!" "So it seems," the man smiled. "Then," said the older man, "you have heard the truth for the last time." 5. Andrew Carnegie was once asked what he considered most important in industry: labor, capital ro brains. With a laugh Carnegie replied, "Which is the most important leg of a 3-legged stool?" 6. A manager was trying to pacify a certain employee who wanted a promotion. The manager, for many reasons, simply couldn't give it to him. "You know I cannot give you this promotion now," he told the man, "but I will do this. You have my permission to go back and tell your friends that I offered you the job but that you turned it down." 7. An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you really care to know. 8. A farmer asked his neighbor if he might borrow a rope. "Sorry," said the neighbor, "I'm using my rope to tie up my milk." "Rope can't tie up milk." "I know," replied the neighbor, "but when a man doesn't want to do something, one reason is as good as another." 9. Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that called for a small employee contribution. THe company was paying all the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed; otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off. Finally the company president called Sam into his office. "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign, you're fired. As of right now." Sam signed the papers immediately. "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you couldn't have signed earlier?" "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so clearly before." 10.Running a business is about 95% people and 5% economics. 11.Patience is something you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you. 12.When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. 13.A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God." A postal employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read: "Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am six years old. My father is dead and my mother is having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you send us $500.00" The postal employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. THey were able to raise $300. A couple of weeks later they received a second letter. The boy thanked God, but ended with this request: "Next time would you please deliver the money directly to our home? If you send it through the post office they deduct $200." 14.It is always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly concerned about. 15.When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the impression you will make. 16.When you save for a long time to buy something, then find you can't afford it--that's inflation. 17.An economist was asked to talk to a group of buisness people about the recession. She tacked up a big sheet of white paper. Then she made a black spot on the paper with her pencil and asked a man in front row what he saw. The man replied promptly, "A black spot." The speaker asked every person the same question, and each replied, "A black spot." With calm and deliberate emphasis the speaker said: "Yes there is a little black spot, but none of your mentioned the big sheet of white paper. And that's my speech." 18.A canny Maine farmer was approached by a stranger one day and asked how much he thought his prize Jersey cow was worth. The farmer thought for a moment, looked the stranger over, then said: "Are you the tax assessor or has she been killed by your car?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- From Graduating Engineer 1. Climbing up the ladder of success is a hands-on affair. You don't see anyone climbing up any kind of ladder with his hands in his pockets, do you?" 2. As one veteran speaker used to say when he bagin his presentations, "All of us have jobs to do there this afternoon. Mine is to speak. Yours is to listen. I hope that we finish together--that you don't get done before I do." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- This last joke may be offensive to lawyers Three guys are boasting about how smart their dogs are and they finally agree that each will demonstrate their dog's prowess. The architect calls his dog, puts some clay on the table and says, "Build me a model of the Eiffel Towel." The dog does so and the architect throws him a biscuit. The doctor calls his dog and as he does he sees that a cow is in the process of giving birth. He says to his dog, "Deliver the calf." The dog goes out, determines a Caesaerean section is needed and does the operation. The operation is a complete success both for the new calf and its mother. The doctor throws his dog a biscuit. The lawyer calls his dog over. His dog screws the other two dogs and takes their biscuits. End of Possibly Offensive Material