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From: inc@fluke.UUCP (Gary Benson)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: Dave Barry : 10/14 : Science
Message-ID: <419@tpvax.fluke.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 16-Oct-84 14:55:35 EST
Article-I.D.: tpvax.419
Posted: Tue Oct 16 14:55:35 1984
Date-Received: Sun, 28-Oct-84 06:14:24 EST
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Organization: John Fluke Mfg. Co., Everett, WA
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-10th in a series of 14-

			    *-  S C I E N C E  -*

					       -By Dave Barry

[Reprinted without permission from
the Minneapolis TV Dispatch column,
"Foolin' Around", Nov. 28, 1982.]


    Today's Scientific Question is:     Just what the heck is Life, anyway?

    Answer:

    Ancient Man tried for thousands of years to explain Life. Ancient Man
would do anything to avoid honest work. Ancient Woman would yell at him:
"Don't forget to make pointed stones to stab the saber-tooth tiger with" or
"Don't forget to migrate to North America" and he would say "I can't right
now, dear, I'm trying to explain Life".

    Over the years, man came up with many explanations for Life, all of them
stupid. In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man
came up with for *anything* until about 1926 was stupid. I bet kids would be
able to get from kindergarten through high school in about 35 minutes if we
stopped making them memorize all the drivel Ancient Man came up with about
the gods and goddesses and why the moon goes through phases and so on.

    Anyway, Modern Science, using all the sophisticated analytical tools
at its disposal, has discarded all the myths and come up with a definition
that covers *all* forms of life:

	     Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

    By this definition, the amoeba, the mango, the frog, the squirrel, the
bear, the begonia and many lawyers are forms of Life. But this just begs the
question: Where does Life come from? And how can the mango, which clearly
has some value, be related to the lawyer?

    Modern Scientists explain all this with the Theory of evolution. They say
that at one time the earth was nothing but a bunch of slime and ooze, sort
of like Bayonne, New Jersey. Then lightning struck some chemicals and formed
one-celled creatures (am I going too fast here?), which floated around for
several million years until the smart ones decided to organize the dumb ones
into higher forms of life:

    SMART CELLS:  What do you say we evolve into a higher form of life?

    DUMB CELLS:   Sounds good to us.

    SMART CELLS:   Fine. We'll be the brain. You be the sphincter.

    And so they crawled out on land. Then they started adapting to the
environment, according to the law of the Survival of the Fittest. For
example, if the climate was very hot, the animals without air conditioning
died. If the climate had daytime television, the animals without small
brains died. And so on. 

				 *   *   *

      NOTE:  Some people, particularly religious personnel,
      dispute the Theory of Evolution: they say God created all
      Life all at once. I have done a lot of research on both
      theories, and I firmly believe the evidence supports the
      theory that anybody who supports either theory gets a lot
      of nasty mail, so I'm staying the heck out if. And I'll
      stand by my position. 

				 *   *   *

    Life as we know it today falls into two categories: Plants and Animals.
Plants are divided into three subcategories: Green Vegetables, Yellow
Vegetables, and Weeds. Animals are divided into six subcategories:

    -Animals You Can Eat-
     cows, turkeys, porks, bolognas, veals, zucchinis, tuna fish

    -Animals You Can Sit On-
     horses, certain turtles

    -Animals That Can Knock Over Your Car-
     rhinocerous, soccer fans

    -Totally Useless Animals That Would Have Ceased To Exist
       Thousands of Years Ago If Not For Greedy Pet-Store Owners
	 Who Prey On Unsuspecting 8-Year Olds-
     hamsters, gerbils

    -Animals That Are Easily Impressed-
     dogs

    -Animals Whose Sole Goal in Life Is To Wait At The Bottom
	Of Sleeping Bags And Sting Or Bite People To Death-
     scorpions, snakes

    -Animals That Are Not Easily Impressed-
     cats

    You'll notice this list does not contain insects. This is because
insects are *not* animals: insects are *insects*, and their sole reason for
existing is to be sprayed by poisonous substances from aerosol cans. Oh, I
know you've heard a lot of ecology-nut talk about how you shouldn't kill
insects because they're part of the Great Chain of Life and birds eat them
and so on, but I say go ahead and kill them. If necessary, we can do without
birds, too.


-- 
Gary Benson ms232e -*- John Fluke Mfg Co -*- Box C9090 -*- Everett WA 98206 USA
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