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From: inc@fluke.UUCP (Gary Benson)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: Dave Barry : 12/14 : Junk Mail
Message-ID: <432@tpvax.fluke.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 30-Oct-84 12:15:49 EST
Article-I.D.: tpvax.432
Posted: Tue Oct 30 12:15:49 1984
Date-Received: Sun, 4-Nov-84 04:31:54 EST
Distribution: net
Organization: John Fluke Mfg. Co., Everett, WA
Lines: 96

-12th in a series of 14-

			*-  J U N K    M A I L  -*

						-By Dave Barry

[Reprinted without permission from
the Minneapolis TV Dispatch column,
"Foolin' Around", Dec. 19, 1982.]


(EDITOR'S NOTE: This column appears at first to be about the Postal Service,
but may actually be about the neutron bomb. It's hard to tell).


    I am all for the nine-digit Zip Code and the 18-cent stamp. In fact, I
think the Postal Service ought to go even farther: let's have a 15-digit zip
code and $4.50 stamp. Let's make it virtually impossible to send mail. I
hate getting mail anyway. Apparently, my name is on a computerized mailing
list entitled, "People With Extremely Small Brains", and as a result I get
mainly two kinds of mail:

    -Announcements Announcing Contests Somebody Else Will Win:

    "Mr. Barry, we are please to announce that you have been chosen as a
    semifinalist in the Lucky Sweepstakes, and may already have won 11,000
    head of cattle and a Korean servant family."

    -Investment Opportunities for Morons:

    "This rare opportunity to purchase a finely-crafted, individually-
    registered investment collection of Early American Colonial Jellied
    Candies is being made available only to residents of North and South
    America, and will not be repeated unless someone actually takes us up on
    it."

    I have learned to recognize this kind of mail from the envelopes which
always have gimmicky statements designed to arouse my curiosity ("If you do
not open this envelope immediately, you will never see your children
again.") So I usually throw the envelopes away without opening them. But this
doesn't work: The junk-mail companies have armies of workers who comb
through everybody's garbage at night, retrieve their announcements, and put
them right back in the mail.

    We could solve this problem if we all bought portable blowtorches. We
could stroll up to our mailboxes, open the doors, and incinerate everything
inside. Or for a more efficient approach, the Postal Service could buy
larger blowtorches and incinerate everybody's mail right at the post
offices. Ideally, the Postal Service could buy larger blowtorches and
incinerate the junk-mail companies directly, but this is probably illegal.

    The only problem with the incineration plan is that it would also destroy
the occasional piece of actual mail. I got a piece of actual mail the other
day, from the White House. It was signed by a machine that had learned how
to reproduce the signature of of Anne Higgins, Director of Presidential
Correspondence, and it said, "On behalf of President Reagan, I would like to
thank you for your message and to let you know he appreciates the time you
have taken to send in your views. They have been fully noted."

    This letter troubles me greatly, because I never sent any views to the
White House. This means the White House now possesses somebody's views
masquerading as mine, and what is worse, has fully noted them, whatever that
means. I guess they have a machine in the White House basement that fully
notes views at a high rate of speed, then tells Ann Higgins signature
machine to shoot out a thank-you letter.

    Now here's my problem: I recently acquired a view that I would like to
send to the White House, only I'm afraid it won't be fully noted, because
they probably have some rule about how may views will be noted per citizen
per year. So I want the person who used my name to send in his view to now
use his name to send in my view, and we'll be even.

    My view concerns the neutron bomb, which at the Pentagon's urging,
President Reagan recently decided to build, and which would eventually be
deployed in Western Europe. The neutron bomb is a nuclear device that kills
people without destroying buildings. Many people feel this is inhumane; they
much prefer the old-fashioned humane-type nuclear devices that kill people
and destroy buildings.

    Western Europe's reaction to the neutron bomb has been mixed: most
buildings are for it, and most people are against it, on the grounds that it
might kill them. They're always wallowing in sentiment, those Western
Europeans.

    Anyway, here's my view: I think we should develop the neutron bomb, but
instead of using it to defend a bunch of ungrateful people with un-American
views, we should keep it to ourselves. All we have to do is modify the
design so that instead of leaving buildings alone and destroying people, it
leaves buildings and people alone but destroys third-class mail. This would
save the country billions of dollars in blowtorch fuel alone.


-- 
Gary Benson ms232e -*- John Fluke Mfg Co -*- Box C9090 -*- Everett WA 98206 USA
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