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Path: utzoo!watmath!saquigley
From: saquigley@watmath.UUCP (Sophie Quigley)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Confused by ambiguous signals
Message-ID: <9654@watmath.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 31-Oct-84 16:40:29 EST
Article-I.D.: watmath.9654
Posted: Wed Oct 31 16:40:29 1984
Date-Received: Thu, 1-Nov-84 03:30:23 EST
References: <1495@vax2.fluke.UUCP> <1725@nsc.UUCP> <>, <1782@nsc.UUCP>
Organization: U of Waterloo, Ontario
Lines: 51


>In article <479@astrovax.UUCP> rat@astrovax.UUCP (Stephen J. Ratcliff) writes:
>>> Now comes the first rule of Chuqui: never make assumptions based on your
>>> own insecurities. If she doesn't really want to go out with you, she'll let
>>> you know...
>>
>>Ah, but Chuqui, *how* will she let him know?  Perhaps by actions 
>>whose meaning she considers perfectly clear, but which could be 
>>interpreted by him in an entirely different way.  In other words: 
>>by ambiguous signals...
>
>Well, I'm a firm believer in ignoring ambiguous signals when it is to my
>advantage. If I want to go out with someone and she doesn't want to go out
>with me, I'd much rather be told 'thanks, but no thanks' than to have them
>hint around and wait for me to change my mind. To me, it is a matter of
>honesty... I'm not going to be crushed if someone doesn't want to go out
>with me, it has happened before, and it might happen again someday and it
>isn't the end of the world. I've never really understood why some people do
>things 'for your own good' when they don't know you well enough to
>understand whether or not it IS good for you...
>-- 
>>From the Department of Bistromatics:                   Chuq Von Rospach
>{cbosgd,decwrl,fortune,hplabs,ihnp4,seismo}!nsc!chuqui  nsc!chuqui@decwrl.ARPA
>
>  I'd know those eyes from a million years away....
>
>

Well, the problem is that not all men are like you Chuq, some people react
VERY nastily when told "thanks, but no thanks".  I know this by experience
(more than 3 times!), so sometimes the woman is better off being subtle.
After my bad experiences, I reject subtly, as I am worried for myself as
well as for the other person.  You never really know how people are going
to react to being rejected until you actually try it out, and then it is
too late to go back.

I have found though, that one rejection that doesn't seem to offend people
as much is "thanks but I've already got one...", rather than "thanks, but
I'm not interested".  The problem of course is if you don't have one, or
if you are in the process of changing, and you end up getting a new one
not the same as the one who has been rejected.  Hopefully by the time they
notice, they won't care anymore.

I would much prefer it if things WERE honest too.  I don't understand
why some people react so violently to being rejected.  But some do, and
as long as they do, I will go on being subtle.  So, I do wish that all
you men who jump so quickly on the honesty bandwagon would remember that
self-defense is part of the reason some of us opt for dishonesty.

Sophie Quigley
...!{clyde,ihnp4,decvax}!watmath!saquigley