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From: ma155acq@sdcc7.UUCP ({|stu)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Confused by Ambiguous Signals
Message-ID: <1321@sdcc7.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 14-Nov-84 14:29:36 EST
Article-I.D.: sdcc7.1321
Posted: Wed Nov 14 14:29:36 1984
Date-Received: Fri, 16-Nov-84 04:44:22 EST
Distribution: net
Organization: U.C. San Diego, Academic Computer Center
Lines: 90


	Lately, I've been somewhat disturbed with the latest articles
	I've reading about ambiguous signals given by women who do not
	want to go out with some man.  Earlier this fall quarter, I
	met a girl (names Beth) who I am very interested in, and who, at least
	initially, is interested in me.  We've gone out a couple of
	times at the beginning of this quarter, and from the beginning
	we have been good friends.  Lately, however, since about six
	weeks ago, we haven't been able to go out because she is
	always busy.  Every weekend, she has plans (to go to LA, visit
	some friends, or some friends come to visit.  She has a lot of
	high school friends).  Then, on the weekdays, she is catching
	up with all her schoolwork that she missed on the weekend.  I
	am pretty sure that she really has these commitments.  She
	still acts as a good friend to me (she is in some of my
	classes, and we talk a lot), but we never have any time to
	spend together out of class.

	What bothers me is this:  is she just tactfully trying to
	reject me?  I have been asking her out quite a lot lately, ask
	the answer, of course, is always no.  Yes, I know I'm going to
	get criticized by some females out there who claim that boys
	"don't know how to get involved in a non-romantic friendship
	with girls", but I am not necessarily asking for romance.
	Basically, by are not spending any time together, I feel she
	is cutting off our friendship.  In our earlier dates, there
	was no romance, so I can't see romance as scaring her off.

	Its sort of interesting, though, that when I make friends with
	other males, we go out very spontaneously, and I don't have to
	worry about "him rejecting me in subtle ways" or being accused
	of as being gay.  When I'm with my male friends, sometimes we
	just say "Hey! let's go get some pizza" or whatever.
	Sometimes one of us is busy, so we do it later.  But, when it
	comes to females, they are afraid, because I might become
	romantically inclined.

	Let me ask you this:  who else SHOULD I become romantically
	inclined with if its not my female friends?  Clearly, I am
	romantically interested in Beth, and this might be the reason
	she no longer wants to go out with me.  But, I am not ASKING
	her out because I am romantically interested in her.  I am
	asking her out because, like I do with my other friends, I
	want to spend TIME, romantic or otherwise, with her.  If
	romance is going to scare females away, then I can just forget
	about my chance to ever make a female friend, because I am
	bound to have this feeling eventually.

	At this point, though, I do not believe she is trying to
	reject me.  If she were, I think she would have already given
	up our friendship (by not talking to me, or at least not being
	as enthusiastic to see me in class).  Obviously, she has SOME
	interest, be it friendship or romance.

	My question is:  am I wrong?  Has she really lost interest,
	and trying to be tactful?  This seems unlikely.  But if I am
	not wrong, then how come she is not making an effort to make
	time for me?  Could it mean that she is playing "hard to get"
	to see how much I'll try (I've tried pretty hard, believe
	me!)?  If I am wrong, then how come she still acts very
	friendly around me in class?

	As I have mentioned, it is possible that she is afraid of a
	relationship beyond friendship, but still wants to be friends.
	Let me give some advice to other girls (or boys) who are in
	this kind of situation.  I also wish Beth could use this, but
	I don't want to explain the whole story to her.  I just wish
	she would say "I don't want to go out with you because I am
	not interested in anything beyond a friendship with you."
	Sounds threatening doesn't it?  Sounds like the friendship
	just went down the tubes.  But with a guy like me, who will
	settle for a friendship, this is my chance to redeem myself.
	I will then have the chance to say "No, I wasn't asking for
	anything like that.  I just like to be around you AS A FRIEND."
	Now, we could go out, and both of us would be satisfied.

	What I am requesting is frankness.  Since, obviously, Beth
	won't be this frank, I was wondering if anybody could give me
	any suggestions for this situation.

	Sorry about the disorganization and the rambling.  I am not a
	journalist.

			Victor Romano
			...!sdcsvax!sdcc7!ma155acq
				(What an ugly pathname!)

---------------------------------
With, without.  Who denies, it's what the fighting's all about.
				-The Screaming Abdabs