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Path: utzoo!watmath!saquigley
From: saquigley@watmath.UUCP (Sophie Quigley)
Newsgroups: net.singles,net.social
Subject: Re: Meeting the Parents
Message-ID: <10005@watmath.UUCP>
Date: Mon, 26-Nov-84 22:12:22 EST
Article-I.D.: watmath.10005
Posted: Mon Nov 26 22:12:22 1984
Date-Received: Tue, 27-Nov-84 04:24:49 EST
References: <614@pucc-k>, <519@cbosgd.UUCP>
Organization: U of Waterloo, Ontario
Lines: 58


Re: telling your parents you will be living with your SO.

I have only done this once, but might be doing this again sometime in the
near future.  I have found that what worked best with my parents was to
threaten to get married instead.  They were actually relieved that I was
"only" going to live with a man.  Of course I don't know what I'll have
to do if I ever want to get married, but we'll see when the time comes
(maybe I'll threaten to have a child out of wedlock instead, or become 
a lesbian - that should probably do it).

Re: sleeping arrangements.

That is a trickier one as it is THEIR house so in a way they have a right
to make the rules.  My parents feel they have to accept my SOs as family
members before they can let them sleep with me in their appartment.

I do agree that this is all a question of them refusing to accept their
children's adulthood.  One problem I was having for a long time with my
parents was of a complete disregard for my sleeping habits.  They usually
sleep from 11 to 7 and I usually sleep from 1 to 9-10.  Whenever I was
staying with them, I would always make a clear effort to be very quiet
from 11 to 1 so as not to wake them up, but they would usually MAKE A
POINT of trying to wake me up when they woke up, by turning the music
on loud, going into my room to get things, or simply knocking on the
door saying it was time to wake up.  After I'd get up, a usual string of
sarcastic comments would follow: about being lazy, getting fat, wasting the
best time of the day, about breakfeast not being served after a certain hour
(before we woke up of course) etc..  Of course my SOs at the time would be
subjected to the same kind of abuse since we kept the same hours.  (all of
this on holidays!).  Then of course they would wonder about why we never
stayed very long with them, but when given the answer would complain that
we were being "difficult" with our "little habits" and should be "more 
adaptable".

I tried reasonning with them, pointing out that I respected their sleep
when I was awake, so why couldn't they do the same, but they always
discarded my objections because I am "young" (and therefor unworthy of
basic respect I guess...).  Then, something happened: my SO and I
invited them for a few days to stay with us.  We gave them our bedroom,
and slept in the other bedroom, and were very courteous to them, not
disturbing them when they were asleep, and making a point to be nice
about that kind of thing.  They got to see that we had our own life
with our own home and our own lifestyle and that must have impressed
on them somehow because after that they never bothered us again when
we stayed with them.

So it seems that sometimes parents lack a lot of imagination.  It is only
when faced with the facts visually that they will begin to recognise
their children's adulthood.  And probably this cannot be done in their own
home since it is THEIR turf, and it is the place where roles are very well
defined, they being the parents, and us being the children.  In my case,
things changed considerably when they happened  in MY territory, so I
would recommend turning parents into guests as a very good start to having
them accept their children as adults.

Sophie Quigley
...!{clyde,ihnp4,decvax}!watmath!saquigley