Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/17/84 chuqui version 1.7 9/23/84; site nsc.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!cbosgd!ihnp4!nsc!chuqui From: chuqui@nsc.UUCP (Cheshire Chuqui) Newsgroups: net.singles,net.social Subject: Re: Meeting the Parents Message-ID: <1897@nsc.UUCP> Date: Tue, 27-Nov-84 00:17:19 EST Article-I.D.: nsc.1897 Posted: Tue Nov 27 00:17:19 1984 Date-Received: Wed, 28-Nov-84 01:49:49 EST References: <> Reply-To: chuqui@nsc.UUCP (Cheshire Chuqui) Organization: Plaid Heaven Lines: 108 Summary: [3 hours, 17 minutes, 23 seconds-- not bad.... ] >Comes a time in everyone's life when they have to face the dread >duty of either: > > 1. Introducing their current SO to the parentals, > > ..or.. > > 2. Being introduced to the SO's parentals. Two separate issues here, and they need to be dealt with in separate but coordinated ways. If that makes no sense, excuse me, but it's been a long day... > 1. Introducing their current SO to the parentals, Sometimes this simply never works out. Parental units sometimes have severe blind spots, such as believing that their 'little baby' is still little, still virginal, still under their control, or still unable to make their own decisions. Part of this seems to be the problem that when a parental unit admits to their kid growing up, they have to admit to themselves that they are getting older. How many of you have mothers that still pretend to be 29? or 39? (I was retroactively adopted a number of years ago-- fortunately in jest...). The apron strings are very hard for some people to let go of, and sometimes it is even harder still to get the parents to recognize that the apron has been let go of. Well, onward and sideways. If you are lucky, you can sit down with your parental unit and say ~parental unit, I'm in love and I'm moving to California to be near him~ and have the parental unit say ~God speed, dearest child, our love goest with you!~ Fat chance. The normal response I seem to get is ~Again? Well, one of these times you'll HAVE to get it right....~ The most normal reaction I've heard from friends seems to be somewhere between a screech and a gurgling howl. Well, if you are in the unenviable spot of being the one meeting the parental unit(s), what do you do? First, and most important, listen to your SO. Rule one is to learn as much about your passlq-in-laws to minimize the chance of a major faux paux. All it takes is one, and you're dead for life. Smile a lot, agree a lot, and be as painfully pleasant as possible. Reality can wait until after they get used to you. Remember that they are most likely going to consider you a whore or a rapist REGARDLESS of what you say or do. Having a congressional medal of honor or the nobel peace prize helps, but not much. There are occasions when you meet a set of parents that are open, honest, and a real joy to be with. If so, open up and enjoy. I was lucky enough to have that with my ex-wife's family. Everyone should be so lucky. Few are. Probably the key is to remember that the fate of the free world rests upon your interview with 'THE PARENTS.' Or at least pretend it does. If the parents are important enough to even attempt to get on your side, you need to go out of your way to win them over. You probably will with time, but the good first impression is critical to making this an easier thing to do. > 2. Being introduced to the SO's parentals. The critical person in this is the SO. He/she needs to do as much as possible to pre-approve you to their parents. It might (probably won't) work, but lots of nice, wonderful comments help (leave the sex life out of this). Letters of reference, notarized, help. Bribes don't, neither does yelling. Quiet logic (~No, I CAN'T find someone in my own state to live with~) sinks in eventually, usually. Keep your SO informed-- there is nothing worse than walking into a replay of the Nuremburg trials. Help your SO find areas of common interest (if any-- exclusive of your SO, of course) to talk about to prove you are human. Warn them of specific quirks (Dad believes that Nixon was a crook, Mom that he was hung out to dry-- no Watergate jokes!) and problem areas to avoid. Be supportive, you'll both need it. >Now the light conversation starts, and the inevitable >(yes, sooner or later, someone will blab it out) 'so, what *are* >your future plans'. ohboy..... > >Now, by this time you and your SO have decided that you aren't quite >ready for happy wedlock-hood, but that won't deter you from sharing >the living quarters at this time..... Many parents aren't as worried about this as they used to. I've found that discussing the current sad state of the world, divorce statistics, high cost of divorce lawyers, and the hassles involved in breakups to be light and diverting reparte in getting to this very subject. I've also been tossed out of many homes, so it doesn't always work (not that I'm constantly trying to move in with people-- I do this for friends, too, on a consulting basis... :->) >do you just send a >postcard with your new address after you have moved in (not too >practical if the move is 2000 miles away) Sometimes the only possibility. If the parents are dogmatic and simply won't listen, sometimes it is better to simply not subject your SO to them until you've proven the relationship a while. If ever. I've seen a couple of very stable long term relationships blown up by parents-- as important as your relationship to your parents is (and it IS a very important relationship, whether you admit it or not, just ask maslow) there are circumstances where getting the acceptance of your parents is more trouble than it is worth. sigh. chuq -- From the center of a Plaid pentagram: Chuq Von Rospach {cbosgd,decwrl,fortune,hplabs,ihnp4,seismo}!nsc!chuqui nsc!chuqui@decwrl.ARPA ~But you know, monsieur, that as long as she wears the claw of the dragon upon her breast you can do nothing-- her soul belongs to me!~