Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 (Tek) 9/28/84 based on 9/17/84; site zeus.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxr!ihnp4!zehntel!hplabs!tektronix!teklds!zeus!zippy From: zippy@zeus.UUCP (zippy) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Mountain moving Message-ID: <448@zeus.UUCP> Date: Fri, 18-Jan-85 22:10:20 EST Article-I.D.: zeus.448 Posted: Fri Jan 18 22:10:20 1985 Date-Received: Wed, 23-Jan-85 06:36:20 EST Organization: Tektronix, Beaverton OR Lines: 72 [reprinted without permission from the Portland Oregonian] 'S no wonder by Jonathan Nicholas So far as I can tell, Mohammed has absolutely nothing to do with this. But some folks are tired of going to the mountain, so the mountain is going to be moved. By this time next week, Portlanders gazing toward the east will still see the familiar form on the horizon. But Mount Hood will look an awful lot closer to town. Our story begins back on Dec. 1, 1984, when Alan Budwill and Kent Phillips, the two crazies who drive the morning show for radio station KMJK, polled their listeners. One of the biggest gripes of local citizens, they learned, is the fact that Mount Hood and its ski slopes are too far from town [about and hour's drive, ed.]. Being the kind of guys they are -- caring, compassionate, considerate, in short, helpful to the max -- Budwill and Phillips decided to do something about the problem. Why not, they thought, move Mount Hood to Gresham? Lesser men might have dropped that idea as quickly as Sam Bowie drops hot passes from The Pax. Not these guys. After a quick ``summit'' meeting, they got down to business. In any community project of this scale, of course, newspapers can play a big part in boosting, or blasting, the plan. The Gresham Outlook backed this proposal from Day One. Politicians in the community also rallied to the cause. Gresham Mayor Margaret Weil, a woman never known to look a political gift horse in the mouth, threw the full weight of her office behind the plan -- even going so far as to steer the necessary zoning variances through her council in record time. Meanwhile, Budwill and Phillips were pressing ahead with the logistics. Dr. Paul Hammond, geologist at Portland State, explained to the two that they would have to move 25 cubic miles of mountain. ``No problem,'' they said, and promptly got a bid from Ross Island Sand & Gravel at the bargain rate of 134 dollars per truckload. I know exactly what you're thinking. You're concerned about the danger of flooding, with all those truckloads of snow barreling down the highway toward Gresham. Don't worry. Budwill and Phillips thought of that. The good folks at PGE have promised to provide free electricity for the 50,000 hairdryers that the two estimate will be necessary to melt the snow before the move. There is, however, one small problem. Officials at the National Weather Service have confirmed that shifting the mountain to Gresham will have an adverse effect on Portland's weather. The city will have more rain. Said Budwill, ``So who'd notice?'' Good point. Proving that even bureaucrats aren't always obstructionist, the Federal Aviation Administration has given clearance for Mount Hood to occupy new airspace near Portland International Airport. Even Tri-Met is being supportive, promising to fit ski racks on all its new light-rail cars. Of course, all this is going to take quite a bit of money. Budwill and Phillips thought of that, too. They contacted Sen. Mark Hatfield, perhaps the only Oregonian who can actually imagine what a trillion dollars (estimated cost of the move) look like. According to Hatfield aide Susan Long, though the senator himself is not a skier, he is ready to do everything within his power to bring this mountainous task to completion. You probably think that all these people have been, well, Hoodwinked by Budwill and Phillips, right? That's what I thought, too. Then I heard that at 2 p.m. Friday, there will be a groundbreaking ceremony at Main City Park in Gresham. I'll be there with my shovel, of course, ready to bring you the latest, er, scoop.