Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP
Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84; site boulder.UUCP
Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!allegra!bellcore!decvax!genrad!teddy!panda!talcott!harvard!seismo!hao!nbires!boulder!jon
From: jon@boulder.UUCP ()
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: What now? (A thank you note)
Message-ID: <292@boulder.UUCP>
Date: Sun, 20-Jan-85 14:52:21 EST
Article-I.D.: boulder.292
Posted: Sun Jan 20 14:52:21 1985
Date-Received: Wed, 23-Jan-85 06:12:57 EST
Distribution: net
Organization: National Center for Atmospheric Research
Lines: 62

[]

	It has been a week and a half since I posted my "What now?" article.
In that time, I have seen several follow ups, and received lots of letters.
I have gotten more support from this network that I had ever believed possible,
and I want everybody out there to know that I really appreciate it.

	The night I posted that article was a desperate time.  It was a crisis
like I have never experienced before, and I didn't know how to deal with it.
The whole world looked black, and I saw no point in even trying to deal with
it.  I was screaming for help from anybody who would provide it.
	I feel better now.  The crisis has passed.  I still hurt, a lot, but
my confidence in my ability to make something worthwhile out of my life has
been, to a great extent, restored.  I am functioning (relatively) normally,
and even enjoying myself every now and then.  I guess there are even a number
of good things that are coming out of this otherwise unfortunate situation.
I have realized that I have more friends than I thought I did, and that is
extremely valuable.  I am pursuing (sp?) interests that have been on hold for
a long time.  In a sense, I needed a shaking up, and did I ever get one.

	Getting my self confidence back was one of the hardest things I have
ever had to do.  You see, there were essentially two moods that I spent my
time in during the worst of this thing.  The first was black depression.  My
thoughts would go along the lines of "she's gone, it's over, there is nothing
left to live for, I will never find anything like that again" and so on.  This
was my mood when I posted my article.  The second was a sense of confidence,
that I was able to continue my life without her, and perhaps even make it
better.  The funny thing is that I found myself fighting this confidence, and
returning to the depression mode.  The reason is that the confidence required
that I realize, deep down, that the life I had shared with Becky was over, and
that I had to let go of it.  That literally felt as if some part of my deepest
being, or soul, was being ripped out of me.  I could feel the tearing, and it
hurt like hell.  That is why I would return to the depression, because then at
least I still had the love of Becky to hold on to.  But, of course, there was
in reality nothing to hold on to, at which point everything really collapsed.
I think I have finally faced the fact that it is over, that I have to go on;
and I think that I can do it.  It has been the better part of a week since I 
have dropped into that sort of black depression.  Hopefully that stage is past
me now.

	I talked to her the other day.  She seems to be happy as a clam, and
she told me that she does not miss me that much.  (I have asked her not to
lie to me about her feelings).  She still wants to start a business together,
but she does not want the emotional closeness that we have had in the past.
	This all raises an interesting question.  The business is one of the
dreams that we have shared for years, and I still want to do it, even if I
can't have the emotional relationship that I want.  But, you see, Becky has
spent all of her life avoiding commitments.  That is a big part of what the
move to Utah was -- getting out of her commitments here, which included me.
I don't know if I can trust her to stick to a business type commitment or
not.  But I have at least a year to think about that one.

	Well, I think that is most of what I wanted to say.  I would like to
thank everybody again for all the letters you sent -- I intend to reply to
them all, though it is taking me a while.  I have pulled a life back together
out of the deepest despair I have ever known, and you people helped me a
great deal.  You folks are just great, and I intend to return the favor in
any way I can.

Jonathan Corbet
National Center for Atmospheric Research, Field Observing Facility
{hplabs|seismo}!hao!boulder!jon