Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP
Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/5/84; site randvax.UUCP
Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxr!mhuxj!houxm!vax135!cornell!uw-beaver!tektronix!hplabs!sdcrdcf!randvax!edhall
From: edhall@randvax.UUCP (Ed Hall)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: independence-dependence cycles
Message-ID: <2268@randvax.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 22-Jan-85 12:47:33 EST
Article-I.D.: randvax.2268
Posted: Tue Jan 22 12:47:33 1985
Date-Received: Fri, 25-Jan-85 09:47:10 EST
References: <959@watcgl.UUCP>
Distribution: net
Organization: Rand Corp., Santa Monica
Lines: 61

> However, I would really like to spend more time with people than I am,
> and in this state of independence and confidence people seem to like me,
> so in the natural course of things I start spending time with one or
> a few people.  I like communicating with people very openly, so I start
> dropping my defenses.  I get to know these people well, and come to like
> them.  I get used to having them around, and like that.  At this point,
> I am quite vulnerable to what other people think of me.  I *need* other
> people's approval.  I become used to having people to talk to when I am
> upset, instead of dealing with it alone.  In essence, I become "dependent"
> on other people.  But as long as the relationships are working well, I'm
> quite happy.  The closer the relationships, and the more I feel valued by
> the other people, the happier I feel.
> 
> Then, something changes.  People develop new interests, new friends, or
> just don't have the time they used to.  Or, I may feel rejected by
> someone.  I'm not much fun to be around any more.  I need support,
> rather than being able to give it.  I'm depressed.  I'm difficult to
> deal with.  People have good reason to avoid me.
>       .  .  .  .
> 
> Then I begin to withdraw from the world.  I stop trying to get along
> with other people, and I gradually stop caring what they think of me.
> Thus, my own opinion of myself becomes most important again.  And, for
> the most part, I like myself,  so my self-confidence and "independence"
> returns.
> 
> 	Dave Martindale

I think what you are experiencing is a natural cycle for a lot of people
(I know I've experienced it).  One solution is to have a variety of
friendships at any one time in different parts of this cycle.  In other
words, don't shut out new people just because you are (currently)
satisfied with the friends you have now.

Before I get flamed for trivializing friendship, let me say that I take it
very seriously, and just as each person is different, a friendship between
two people is a very individual thing.  So I'm speaking in general terms,
here, with observations appropriate to my own experience (and thus perhaps
useless to someone else).

I suspect that only a minority of people are blessed with what I'd call
``life-long friends''; at least such a thing isn't nearly as common as when
people lived their entire lives in a single geographic area.  Relationships
change faster than they used to--which isn't surprising, since people alive
today see more change (social, cultural, technological, economic) in a few
years than people a hundred years ago did in a life-time.

So I suspect that this cyclical nature of friendship is more common now.  I
don't think it is necessarily a bad thing, either, though greater demands
are placed on the interpersonal skills involved in getting to know people
well.  A short (say, three year) friendship doesn't need to be any less
deep than a lifelong one was in quieter times.  And if life as lived in the
latter part of the 20th century happens to allow it, life-long friendships
still can happen.

(We could discuss ``what is friendship'' just like we're discussing
``what is love''--it would be a good topic.  But I'll save my comments
for another time...)

		-Ed Hall
		decvax!randvax!edhall