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From: lfs@lzmi.UUCP (lfs)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Why marriages end.  (rubbing salt in wounds)
Message-ID: <318@lzmi.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 6-Feb-85 00:18:57 EST
Article-I.D.: lzmi.318
Posted: Wed Feb  6 00:18:57 1985
Date-Received: Thu, 7-Feb-85 03:38:07 EST
Organization: AT&T Information Systems, Lincroft, NJ
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Just when I thought I was getting better, someone has to hit a raw nerve!
Damn, damn, damn.

Chuq, I'll grant you that women have been abused and made subservient in
in marriages.  But how about some balance - men have also been, in different
ways.  In marriages, either party may suffer from excesses/abuses/expectations
of the other.  Men may be more overt in their abuse, but subtle abuse is no
less damaging.  (Speaking of balance, I'm not saying that all, or even most,
marriages are abusive - hopefully both people in marriage flourish.)

Gregbo, you cannot "make" a marriage work and you cannot always predict that
that your choice of mate will be the right choice.  Monday morning
quarterbacking is trivial; most of us can figure out where we made mistakes,
misjudgments, etc. after we made them.  Most of the people I know who are
divorced, NEVER wanted to be and the decision to divorce did not come lightly.
Total commitment ( to a marriage ), may lead to total commitment ( as in
mental institution ) - if you made the wrong choice in partner.

The "happily ever after" syndrome dies very hard.  I've seen all those good
movies - I took those images to heart.  The IMAGE of a good marriage kept me
working at the marriage for years after I should have given it up.  I'm not
saying that good marriages don't require work to get over rough times - but
the rough times should not outweigh the good times.

How can you maximize your chances of finding a compatible lifetime spouse,
I don't know but I have a few guidelines for my next choice:
	Do not commit too soon - it takes time for the imperfections to show
and you need to know them and be able to accept them.  DO NOT assume that
you can "fix" them.
	Make sure both of you share a common philosophy - if you are an
establishment person, an anti-establishment person may be exciting; but
sooner or later your fantasy of becoming anti-establishment fades to the
reality that your SO is actually threatening the security that the
establishment represents to you.  There is no middle ground here, just a
constant battleground.
	Choosing someone to fill a void in your personality is a risky
business; it's a better idea to know your limitations and deal with them
yourself - or at least accept them - rather than have your mate make up
for them.
	Make sure that your mate likes to do the things that are really
important to you - that you really want to share with someone close to you.
	Try to represent yourself honestly.  Don't flaunt your faults,
but don't hide them either.  Don't fake or exaggerate strengths.  Make
sure that what your SO sees, is what your SO gets.

						Larry Safford
						pegasus!lzmi