Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/17/84 chuqui version 1.7 9/23/84; site nsc.UUCP Path: utzoo!utcs!lsuc!pesnta!amd!nsc!singles-request From: singles-request@nsc.UUCP (Anonymous posting) Newsgroups: mod.singles,net.singles Subject: Re: non-standard relationshiips Message-ID: <2322@nsc.UUCP> Date: Thu, 7-Feb-85 00:13:48 EST Article-I.D.: nsc.2322 Posted: Thu Feb 7 00:13:48 1985 Date-Received: Thu, 7-Feb-85 12:34:51 EST Sender: chuqui@nsc.UUCP Organization: Your Moderator Lines: 101 Approved: chuqui@nsc.UUCP Xref: utcs mod.singles:30 net.singles:5569 - - - mod.singles- - - - - - Volume 1, Issue 29 - - - >From: scott@yale.ARPA (Walter Scott) >Hooray! I was wondering whether everyone on this net only had SOships >within the "socially acceptable norms." Glad to see someone else out >there has had a similar experience. >I, needless to say, am confused but very happy. I hope that this >situation lasts. The time element seems to be no problem; I have enough >time in the week to see both of them to my hearts content. Really the >only "problem" or difficulty, and it is really only on the order of a >minor annoyance, is dealing with the rest of society. For example, my >roommate has met my SO but not my OSO. It feels strange having to be >discreet or evasive around roommates, friends, parents, etc. just >because polygamy in this society is seen by many people as "abnormal" or >even "immoral." What a strange world this is.... I think that attitudes toward "non-standard" living arrangements vary with what sub-culture you identify with. I know that most of my friends (arpa-hackers) live in or would prefer living/sex/love arrangements that would cause most of my parent's generation to get very upset. The fears and compulsions that cause a person to hack 20 hours a day are a different set (or a different magnitude) then those exhibited by most "real-world" people. The ability to open up emotionally is often atrophied. We have often discovered that we are closer to people we have only met on the computer then the people we see everyday. A number of us have met, this leads to phone bills of mind-boggling proportions and I think we support several airlines. But I digress. Menage a trois: I have been trying to get a menage a trois to work for about 6 months now. I have also been spectacularly unsuccesful. Part of it is distance, part is varying needs, part is varying ages. My "SO" (ugh, I hate those initials) and I love each other very much, have been together a number of years, and will probably be together the rest of our lives. I THINK our "OSO" loves us, but it is hard to tell. He is not here much (goes to school in a different state) and when we do see each other we end up spending all our time feeling each other out and trying to become friends again. The sexuality is easy (we all three lust for each other - the one constant) but communication is very very difficult. It looks like we are at an end of our relationship and this hurts. These things got in the way: 1) Geography - where should people live? I live where I live because my SO has a very satisfying job here. I am not close to anybody in this area except him. Our OSO is going to school somewhere else and then has a masters and phd to get. Should we follow him? Is it worth it for the pain? Should he come here to school? The answers to all three of these questions seem to be a rousing "NO". We are stuck apart, and relationships have a hard time growing long distance. 2) Gang-ups - Two of the participants in a menage ganging up on the other. This seems to happen in every menage I know about. Alliances shift, so you never know who is going to be the person being picked on next. 3) Time - We have barely enough time for two people to talk and learn about each other. As we see each other on holidays we usually just want to sleep or hack on new machines (our substitute for sleeping/movies/relaxing). So the three of us sleep instead of talk. This certainly helps us cope with the outside but does nothing for the inside. 4) Jealousy and anger - There was a lot of jealousy in the beginning and there is an awful lot of anger right now. My SO was sure I was going to leave him or something. I have problems not murdering our OSO (can you shoot somebody over the net?) I think we have finally got over the jealousy part - but then we haven't been together in a while. What we did right: Our friends (and some of my family) know about our relationship. I think some of the people we work with do. We have never tried to hide it, and have found that people except it. The sexual relationship is spread equally between all three of us when we are together. Everybody gets a turn in the middle :-). All of us are bisexual, touching each other is natural. Plans for the future: I have not given up on the idea of an extended family. I want a group marriage around me. I am just not sure if our OSO is a person we can be married to. I just don't feel that I know him any longer. So we are just relaxing, and someday somebody(ies) will show up who we KNOW are right and want to be with us as much as we want to be with them. -- From the ministry of silly talks: Chuq Von Rospach {allegra,cbosgd,hplabs,ihnp4,seismo}!nsc!chuqui nsc!chuqui@decwrl.ARPA Life, the Universe, and lots of other stuff is a trademark of AT&T Bell Labs