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From: george@sysvis.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: Extra! Hey Look at the Headlines
Message-ID: <-1833211@sysvis.UUCP>
Date: Mon, 21-Jan-85 11:41:00 EST
Article-I.D.: sysvis.-1833211
Posted: Mon Jan 21 11:41:00 1985
Date-Received: Thu, 24-Jan-85 06:47:01 EST
Lines: 119
Nf-ID: #N:sysvis:-1833211:000:3485
Nf-From: sysvis!george    Jan 21 10:41:00 1985

The following newspaper  headlines are printed exactly as they originally 
appeared in some of America's newspapers.  You may refer to the "Columbia
Journalism Review" for more about them.  Some comments, put inside paren-
theses, have been added for the sake of humor.


* COURT ORDERS CHURCH TO PRODUCE WOMAN

* MONTANA FARMERS TURN TO HORSES, STATE OFFICER SAYS

* WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE  (War tends to do that)

* DEATH ENDS LIFE OF OF SENATOR CUMMINGS  (Death tends to do that)

* ALLEGED WOMAN TOSSED OUT OF CAR IN MOTION

* MRS NIXON BUYS PAJAMAS FOR PRESIDENT, CHINA FOR JULIE

* CAHILL WELCOMES PROPOSALS TO END CROWING IN JAILS

* NIXON TO SEEK LUNCH MONEY  (Pat spent it all on China)

* OLD MINERS ENJOY BENEFITS OF BLACK LUNG 

* TOWN OKS ANIMAL RULE  (One time Montana Farmer, now a horse, will be mayor)

* THREE DEAD BOYS WERE TAKING FRIENDS TO BIG COMMUNITY CELEBRATION

* CAPITOL PUNISHMENT BILL CALLED "DEATH ORIENTED"

* DNR HUNT SURVEY TO QUESTION DOGS

* SUPREME COURT MEETS FOR DERISIONS

* MAN ON WAY TO ITALY TO SEE FAMILY KILLED

* THREE STATES HIT BY BLIZZARD, ONE MISSING

* YOUTH BORN IN USA IN POLISH UNIFORM

* LITTLE PRIVACY IN PEKING APARTMENTS

* OKLAHOMAN HIT BY AUTO RIDING ON MOTORCYCLE

* US TO FIRE EUROPE INTO STATIONARY ORBIT

* STATE DINNER FEATURED CAT, AMERICAN FOOD

* TWELVE ON THEIR WAY TO CRUISE AMONG DEAD IN PLANE CRASH

* BIKE-A-THON NETS $1,000 FOR ILL BOY

* SHOUTING MATCH ENDS TEACHER HEARING

* INDIAN OCEAN TALKS  (Says ships tickle)

* FORD, REAGAN NECK IN PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY  (Betty, Pat angry)

* FIREBOMBING JURY TAKES WEEKEND OFF

* STIFF OPPOSITION EXPECTED TO CASKETLESS FUNERAL PLAN

* SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM  (Dog said he was doing OK by himself, but
				he appreciated the help anyway)

* LESS MISHAPS THAN EXPECTED MAR HOLIDAY  (Too bad)

* MEN FORM RAPE GROUP

* LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS  (Guests say if they had known, they
				       wouldn't have come)

* MISSOURI DEER KILL NEAR 50,000

* W.T. WYLIE STIMULATED SHAKESPEARE

* SEVERED LEG FOLLOWS VICTIM AFTER ACCIDENT

* SUNNY, COLD TONIGHT

* DID POPE SUSPECT PLOT TO MURDER THE QUEEN?


The following are  excerpts from the  stories printed in the newspapers. 
Again, some comments, put inside parentheses, have been added for humor.

*	In the parade will be several  hundred  school  children
	carrying flags and city officials.  (The officials, when
	they learned they were  to  ride  in  cars,  refused  to
	participate,  insisting  instead that they be carried by
	schoolchildren.)

*	(The group) hosts a free ride home service on New Year's
	Eve between 6 p.m. and 6 a.m. with someone who is drunk.

*	The wedding  is the  termination of a romance  extending
	over a period of years.

*	Media General bought the NEWS in 1970 from the ancestors
	of one of the paper's founders.

*	The man was dead but was able to tell the  officers that
	the two youths ...

*	Conrad's job,  according to Gillespie,  is to serve as a
	"raving  ambassador for general aviation."

*	Mr. Spong warned the former  Joan Kettner in 1952.  They
	have three  children ranging in age from 16 to 20 years.

*	Steele said  investigations of a homosexual ring operat-
	ing in Dallas  had proved  fruitless.  (It was  probably
	un-aid-ed also.)

*	(The woman)  was also charged with  income tax invasion.
	(This story prompted one reader to write  asking  how a
	person could go about  invading the income tax,  realiz-
	ing that it might be a useful thing to know.)