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From: beth@gymble.UUCP (Beth Katz)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: any LDR's out there??? (long distance relationships)
Message-ID: <42@gymble.UUCP>
Date: Mon, 21-Jan-85 12:34:22 EST
Article-I.D.: gymble.42
Posted: Mon Jan 21 12:34:22 1985
Date-Received: Wed, 23-Jan-85 19:26:32 EST
References: <145@ihdev.UUCP> <2240@nsc.UUCP>
Reply-To: beth@gymble.UUCP (Beth Katz)
Organization: U of Maryland, Laboratory for Parallel Computation, C.P., MD
Lines: 49
Summary: 

I am 18 months into an LDR (although we were together about ten weeks
last summer).  We have about two years to go (that sometimes makes me
wonder why I'm getting a PhD, but in the long run it will be worth it.)
Even with being together for ten weeks, our combined phone bills were
about $2000 last year (and a good deal of those were made on Skyline,
a long-distance phone company).  We obviously use the phone a lot in
keeping up with what is happening in our lives.  We write letters every
so often and send CSnet mail occasionally (he's not on Usenet).  I think
one key to an LDR is knowing that you really want to spend the time on
the relationship (I am assuming that this is an exclusive LDR and that
neither party is dating anyone else).  I started this LDR while he was
here but while I was involved in another LDR.  I wasn't all that sure
of my commitment in that relationship; therefore, I started talking to
Lee (LDR1) less frequently although we still are good friends.  Now I know
that I want to spend the rest of my life (post PhD) with David.  Neither
of us is looking to get involved in another relationship.  We do group
things while we are apart, and I go to movies and play racquetball with
other guys, but everyone here knows that it is really only as friends.

SUGGESTIONS:
-Communicate, communicate, communicate.
-Talk about your feelings.  We miss each other almost as soon as we are
apart and tell each other so, but we try not to dwell on it. 
-Love letters are nice; letters don't need to contain news. 
-Decide on a time for talking to each other so that you are both ready to
talk.  When the phone rings and you are in the middle of working a problem,
you may not be very loving.  Your SO can't see that you were interrupted
and the whole conversation may get off on a wrong note.  (We call each
other at ad hoc times but usually arrange to talk at 11pm every night.) 
-Try to see each other as frequently as possible (for us, every five weeks
or so) and for more than just a weekend.  It takes a day or so to get used
to being together again.  A longer time together gives you time to relax. 
-Don't plan up the entire time you are together.  Leave time to be alone
together for talking, cuddling, and such.  (We spent five days together
between Christmas and New Years watching football games and lounging around.
It was great; although I don't have a good answer when someone asks "What
did you do down at Clemson?"  "We were together and didn't do much at all.")
-Be honest about the level of your commitment.  If you don't know, say so.
If you think that this is the relationship you want to last forever, let
your SO know.  Especially if this is a long LDR, it is good to know that
you are working with the same set of assumptions.
-Finally, an LDR is not easy.  I wouldn't wish one on anyone.  David and
I share a lot of things, and we both know that my finishing school is very
important in our grand scheme of life together (and even more important if,
for some reason, we don't end up together, at least for me.)

			Good luck,
				Beth Katz
				{seismo,allegra,rlgvax}!umcp-cs!beth