Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP
Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1     9/27/83; site hplabsb.UUCP
Path: utzoo!utcs!lsuc!pesnta!hplabsb!peters
From: peters@hplabsb.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: re: living together & marriage
Message-ID: <2757@hplabsb.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 6-Feb-85 18:24:13 EST
Article-I.D.: hplabsb.2757
Posted: Wed Feb  6 18:24:13 1985
Date-Received: Thu, 7-Feb-85 08:34:35 EST
Organization: Hewlett Packard Labs, Palo Alto CA
Lines: 37

A premarital counselor once told me some of the changes which can occur
once you get married after living together.  You have many role models 
for marriage (your parents, for instance) who have different principles.  

The counselor gave one couple as an example.  They had been living together
for seven years, and finally decided to get married.  You'd expect that 
nothing should change.  Well, things did.  He started expecting her to do 
things for him, like always cooking dinner, bringing him his newspaper,etc.  
After a month of this she had gotten frustrated, and they ended up going to 
a counselor.  It turned out that as soon as they got married, he subconsciously
started acting the way his father did.  After realizing what had changed,
they were able to work their problem out.

On a side note, pre-marital counseling is a good idea.  The Stanford church
requires you to attend several sessions with one before you can get married
in their church.  It turned out to be a good idea for us.  My ex-fiance
realized that he wasn't ready for marriage yet.

It's hard to say what you'll need to make a marriage work, but I sort of
think a spouse should be someone you can experience life with, a companion, 
someone you can work with through the bad times.  Commitment is very
important though.  You have to be willing to work through the problems,
not decide it isn't worth the effort and give up.

Communication is also very important.  You are less likely to grow off in
different directions, you avoid letting little things build up until they
blow up, and it lets you know that you both still care.  Talking out the
problems is a wonderful way of keeping the pressure down.  

From recent experience it seems to help to put a time delay on your emotional 
reactions when discussing important matters.  It's sometimes difficult to 
really explain something you are feeling deep down, and it can come out
differently from what was meant.  The time delay gives time to clarify
these ambiguous statements.  

				Liz Peters
				hplabs!peters