Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site rruxo.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!cbosgd!ihnp4!mhuxn!mhuxb!mhuxr!ulysses!gamma!pyuxww!pyuxv!rruxo!sitze From: sitze@rruxo.UUCP (R Sitze) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Be wary of this one.... Message-ID: <138@rruxo.UUCP> Date: Thu, 7-Feb-85 12:16:25 EST Article-I.D.: rruxo.138 Posted: Thu Feb 7 12:16:25 1985 Date-Received: Sat, 9-Feb-85 05:42:15 EST Organization: Bell Communications Research, Piscataway N.J. Lines: 92 Mr. Hansen had a problem. He was BORED. Mr. Hansen lived by himself in a small house just outside of New York, and had been living there for 30 years. It had only been a year since he had retired, but he was bored. During that year he had repainted the house twice, gone camping once, and had even attended church once or twice, but nothing seemed to help very much. He had never got married for various reasons, and now he was even to old for that type of entertainment. One bright and early morning, he got an idea. He would start collecting rare and exotic birds. And so for the next year he spent many many many more pennies then you or I shall ever see on birds, bird seed, and on newspaper. As he got each bird, he would sit and listen to it for a while, and then go out again to his favorite exotic bird shop for a new bird the very next day. This kept him very busy, but he wasn't happy though. He just wasn't satisfied. Sure he could talk to some of the birds, and they could talk back.. But it just wasn't right. And so in a fit of desperation, he walked into the bird store once again, with the intent of buying his last bird. "Ah... Goold Mornling Mr. Hanslen, Howl you dooling tolay??" exclaimed Mr. Wong, happy to see his favorite customer. "You all in luck tolay.. I Juss golt newl bird in... Come Come, youl like lis one bettel then all rest." Mr. Hansen followed the old shopkeeper with a happy feeling in his heart, "Prehaps this is the one" he thought to himself. In the backroom of the bird shop Mr. Wong pulled out a small bamboo cage in which sat a small, brown bird. "Hello" said the bird. "I am a Wary." "Very clever bird you have there Mr. Wong" said Mr. Hansen as he peered into the small cage. "I'll guess I'll take him." The bird sat in the cage and stared at Mr. Hansen all the way home. As Mr. Hansen carried the bird into the house, he looked around and said "Ok. Wary, I think I'll keep you in the living room where I can talk to you." "Ok" said the Wary, "Thats fine with me. Whats' for dinner anyway??". Mr. Hansen jumped a bit, and then thought of what a great deal he got, this bird seemed to be a bit more intelligent than most birds. Well, to make a long story a tiny bit shorter, Mr Hansen discovered that his bird could talk and talk and talk and talk and talk.... About everything and anything. He got so sick of hearing the bird talk he tried to take it back the to bird store. "Solly Mr Hanslen, I can no take back that bird, you must keep." was Mr. Wong's immediate reply. And so he took the bird back home. "What's a matter wit you anyway" said the Wary, now a large bird sitting next to him in the car. "You don't like me or what?" "Well? Don't you think you owe me an explanation?? I've never done anything to you, so what the h@ll is your problem anyway?? Huh?? $h!t, you people ain't got no respect anymore for a poor birds feelings." And so began Mr. Hansen's attempts to dispose of the Wary. As he took the bird out back, and attempted to dispose of it with an ax, the horrified bird made it's get away into the bathroom. Mr. Hansen finally got the bird out, and his distressed body in after promising to never let the bird see an ax again. "More devious methods of Birdicide must be used in this war" he muttered as he sat on the pot. "I know, I'll take him to New York this weekend." In New York that very next weekend, they made mad dashes across streets as Mr. Hansen ran about trying to get the bird to step out in front of cars. He gave the bird ten dollars for whatever the bird wanted to buy, and then rode the subway for three hours hoping someone would notice a large bird holding a ten spot and try to knock him off. To no avail. He even made the bird pick the pocket of a LARGE dude wearing a large black leather jacket and chains, which the bird did rather quickly with no ill side effects. Mr. Hansen pushed the bird off of a bridge only to find that while it could not fly, it could swim. The sopping bird shook the water out of his wings, looked bleakly at Mr. Hansen, and stared. "... Well I guess I'm stuck with you Wary, said Mr. Hansen, come on lets go." And so Mr. Hansen and the Wary wandered around a bit, until Mr Hansen recognized where they were. Mr. Hansen smirked as he looked out over the city of New York from the top of the Empire State Building. He had a tremendous view, and the Wary could not see. After the Wary gave up all attempts of pulling himself high enough to see over the small wall that bordered the top, he looked up at Mr. Hansen and asked if he could give him a lift. "Why sure, I think I could manage that. In fact I'll do better than that." Mr. Hansen walked over to were some men were doing some construction work on the top and borrowed a board. He held the board out over the edge of the building, and helped the bird out onto the end of it. "Here you go, that should give you a good view of the city, and of the street below" said Mr. Hansen as he gleefully tipped the board over. "Hey... What you tink you doing mister" shouted the bird as he fell, flapping his wings to no great avail. Mr. Hansen started down, happy at last. "No one but no one can survive that fall" he thought, "especially a Wary. I think I'll go home and make myself a nice dinner of chicken and rice." He was thinking about exactly what he was going to do (nothing) now that the Wary was gone when he got down to the street. As he stepped out the front doors, the Wary walked up to Mr. Hansen, who had bursted into tears upon seeing the Wary, and exclaimed... "Mister, that's the wrong way to tip a Wary..."