Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84; site gitpyr.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!bonnie!akgua!gatech!gitpyr!wutka From: wutka@gitpyr.UUCP (Mark Wutka) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: The Book Message-ID: <130@gitpyr.UUCP> Date: Thu, 14-Feb-85 19:46:43 EST Article-I.D.: gitpyr.130 Posted: Thu Feb 14 19:46:43 1985 Date-Received: Sat, 16-Feb-85 05:45:23 EST Distribution: net Organization: Georgia Institute of Technology, Atlanta, GA Lines: 327 The Book A chronicle of an astounding book. January 12,1964 From: Dr. Sherwin P. Hunt To: Mr. Peter K. Wright Editor Valentine Books Subject: The Chuck Streible Book of Women Mr. Wright, I am practicing psychologist and I have recently come upon an astounding book. It was written by a 4-year-old boy named Charles Streible. I came across it because of a girl I am now treating because she is uncontrollably attracted to young Mr. Streible. It seems that she took a short glimpse at the book while she was babysitting at the Streible home. I think this book is a real bombshell and could become the best selliing book of all time. I would suggest you take a look at it. Just one or two lines from certain chapters of the book are enough to make a woman melt into a man's arms. Sherwin P. Hunt, M.D. January 15, 1964 To: Dr. Sherwin P. Hunt From: Peter K. Wright Dr. Hunt, I regret to inform you that we are unable to publish The Chuck Streible Book of Women. It is not that we do not want to, but rather that we are an equal opportunity employer. We fear that all the other woman who work at this establishment will have the same reaction to the book that my secretary had when she started reading it. After two pages, she rushed out of the office and drove straight to Kennedy Airport where she immediately booked a flight to Atlanta so she could see the young Mr. Streible. We do appreciate your showing us the book and to show our appreciation, enclosed is a check for $1,000.00. In the future, if you come across anymore such books, please let us know. Sincerely, Peter K. Wright TOP SECRET: For Your Eyes Only January 17, 1964 From: The Central Intelligence Agency of the United States of America To: Dr. Sherwin P. Hunt Dr. Hunt, We urgently request your presence in Washington. Please report to Dobbins Air Force base as soon as possible. We have made arrangements for you to fly here at no charge. Please destroy this letter as soon as you read it and do not tell anyone of this. Also, wrap "The Book" in brown paper and bring it with you. Do NOT show it to anyone. [ From the official records of the Central Intelligence Agency ] Carver: Mr. Hunt, we have called you here because we have heard of the book which you have offered to the Valentine Publishing Company. We feel that this book could have a detramental effect on the public and we would like to have the book thoroughly investigated. Hunt: Yes, I understand. Will I be allowed to be part of the investigation team ? Carver: Yes, if you wish. But you may not reveal anything you see or hear to anyone other than C.I.A. personnel. The investigation team will be made up of many of the top male Psychologists, Sociologists, Psychiatrists, and Biologists in the nation. There will be no women on the team since we have not yet found any that are immune to the effects of the book. Hunt: Excellent ! When shall we start ? Carver: As soon as all the other team members arrive. Mr. Thomas will explain the rest to you. Thank you for your time. Inter-Governmental Memo From: The Central Intelligence Agency To: The Printing Department It is absolutely urgent that you delete the following text from the Congressional Record. The public must never know of the proceedings that went on in the Senate today. Carver: Gentlemen, we have an urgent and top secret matter to discuss with you. It concerns the security of the United States. This is Dr. Sherwin Hunt, the head of one of our research teams. They have just completed a study on a remarkable book. What we request is that you outlaw the publishing of any portion of this book. Please quiet down, gentlemen ! Dr. Hunt will explain. Hunt: The name of the book is "The Chuck Streible Book of Women". It was written by a 4-year-old prodigy in Atlanta. Its effect on women is astounding. This film should explain it all: [ The following is a description of the film ] Narrator: Our first test of the book was to test the potency of the early chapters. Here you see one of our test subjects walking up to a total stranger and using a line from chapter 1. Note how quickly she grabs him and kisses him. They were married within one hour. According to the index, that chapter is just for meeting women. Our next experiment was on one of the currently popular rock bands. You see them reading chapters 1, 2, and 3 in their dressing rooms before the concert. This took place at Shea Stadium where they were to give a concert that evening. The following is a tape of one of their songs. We have amplified the voices 100 times so that you can hear them over the screams of all the young girls. Note that they are not singing in tune. This is because the girls screamed so loudly that they could not hear eachother or their instruments. Here is a short interview we conducted with them after the concert: __________________________________________________ Paul: Boy, I wish I had never seen that book ! Ringo: Boy, you said it. I have never heard girls scream that loudly. John: What, I can't hear you. I think I have gone deaf. George: Yeah, and I only read the first two lines of the book. I am a slow reader. __________________________________________________ We next experimented with chapter 6. We used one of the ugliest men we could find and put him in the middle of Manhatten. He is at the bottom of that large pileup of women you now see in your picture. He simply whispered a single line from chapter 6 and every woman within 6 blocks came running at him. He died a happy man. Chapter 7 caused some phenominal results. We found that when it was used on a normal woman, she melted into a small pool. Then we tried it on a woman who was absolutely cold to any man who approached her. Midway through one single line from chapter 7 and she was putty in the tester's hands. Given the results of chapter 7, we were extremely cautious with our testing of chapter 8. We had our tester sit in a small shack perched high on a mountain in the Andes range. He did not say a thing. We told him simply to read to himself. He read the first few lines and heard a far off noise. He reported that it sounded like women's screams. He went back to reading and just 3 lines later, he reported that he heard something like thunder. He went to the window and reported that he saw no less than 20,000 women climbing up the mountain after him. We did not want this tester to suffer the same fate as our tester for chapter 6, so we sent in a helicopter to fly him out. On the trip back, the helicopter was followed by every plane that had been on the ground in Lima, Peru. Many women were able to jump onto the helicopter's landing struts and the combined weight of them forced the helicopter down. The helicopter pilot was trampled to death by the women. Again, the tester died a happy man. For chapter 9, we were even more cautious. We left our tester on an island in the middle of the Pacific ocean. To hopefully protect the life of the tester, we chose an illiterate. We told him to just turn to the page we had marked and to simply look at it. Two hours after he started, he saw a great churning in the ocean all around him. An hour after that, he was assaulted by 234,771 women from the neighboring islands. The women from North and South America and Asia arrived 2 hours after the man had died of exhaustion. He did, however, die with a very large grin on his face. At this point, we were afraid to test anymore chapters because too many testers had died. We did, however, see one chapter that we were curious about. Chapter 23 was labeled "S.C". We asked young Mr. Streible what it meant, but he said that he had forgotten. After seeing our tester try one of the lines in chapter 23 on a woman and seeing her go up in smoke, we realized that "S.C." stood for "Self-Combustion". At this point, we discontinued the investigation. This has been a C.I.A. films presentation. The End Carver: Gentlemen, this concludes our presentation. You have seen the danger of this book, so now we ask that you outlaw the publishing of any portion of the book after the index. Senate voting result: Question: Should the publishing of The Chuck Streible Book of Women be banned ? Yeas: 100 Nays: 0 Any publishing of The Chuck Streible Book of Women in whole or in part with the sole exception of the index is hereby banned. [ End of requested deletion ] From: The Printing Department To: The Central Intelligence Agency The entry has been deleted as per your request. This ends the description of the banning of The Chuck Streible Book of Women. The Chuck Streible Book of Women Index: Chapter Description Page 1 Meeting Women 1 2 Getting Acquainted 22 3 Asking for a date 47 4 Things to say on a date 74 5 Things to say while cuddling 98 6 Things to say while in bed 110 7 Things to say while making love 139 8 How to win a woman's heart forever 155 9 How to lose a woman and still make her happy 170 10 Understanding women 199 11 The physiology of women 541 12 The psychology of women 770 13 The logic of women 902 14 What women like 903 15 How to make a woman like what she does not like 1108 16 How to make a woman feel really good 1200 17 How not to make a woman feel really bad 1302 18 A few words about marriage 1510 19 What to do if you ever have a divorce 1560 20 The miscellaneous things you need to know to make a woman as happy as possible 1560 21 H.A. 1925 22 B.D. 2120 23 S.C. 2525 From: Dr. Sherwin P. Hunt To: The Central Intelligence Agency of The United States of America Re: The Book In reference to chapters 21 and 22 of The Book, it is my suspicion that "H.A." stands for "Heart Attack" and "B.D." stands for "Brain Death". I would therefore suggest that you never attempt to find out the effects of these chapters. From: The Central Intelligence Agency To: Dr. Sherwin P. Hunt Thank you for the information, Dr. Hunt. We now have the book safely locked in a nuclear-holocaust-proof safe in Huntsville Alabama. Carver Mark Wutka Office of Computing Services Georgia Institute of Technology Atlanta, Ga. ...!{akgua,allegra,amd,hplabs,ihnp4,masscomp,ut-ngp}!gatech!gitpyr!wutka ...!{rlgvax,sb1,uf-cgrl,unmvax,ut-sally}!gatech!gitpyr!wutka