Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/5/84; site tove.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!bonnie!akgua!mcnc!decvax!genrad!panda!talcott!harvard!seismo!umcp-cs!tove!mark From: mark@tove.UUCP (Mark Weiser) Newsgroups: net.kids Subject: Re: Telling the Truth Message-ID: <138@tove.UUCP> Date: Sat, 23-Feb-85 09:40:41 EST Article-I.D.: tove.138 Posted: Sat Feb 23 09:40:41 1985 Date-Received: Wed, 27-Feb-85 05:22:44 EST References: <160@ski.UUCP> Reply-To: mark@tove.UUCP (Mark Weiser) Distribution: net Organization: U of Maryland, Laboratory for Parallel Computation, C.P., MD Lines: 57 In article <160@ski.UUCP> jmm@ski.UUCP (Joel M. Miller) writes: >How do you teach respect for the truth? We started confronting this when our oldest daughter (now 7.5) was 5. There were lots of evasions of the truth starting at that age, generally self serving. Dr. Spock says that children around that age often seem to be lying a lot, but they are not really-- they are exploring the nature of the relationship of words to reality. That is, they are not lying for evil purposes but merely in the spirit of scientific exploration (which, I think (not Spock, me) is good). Since that time I have evolved an approach which attempts to make it clear to the child that the truth is not just an abstract and arbitrary rule but something absolutely tangible and real which one cannot escape and in fact should get on good terms with. I am mostly an areligious person, but respect for the truth (initially in my scientific work but now forced by my children to be extended to everyday life) is as close I get to reverence. In practice it works like this: when I suspect a lie, I discuss with the child (our 7 year old, Nicole) WHY I think it is a lie. I try to turn over with her the facts in the matter, bringing to bear the analytical skills I hope she is also learning, and let her see that the truth in a situation is inescapable. If the facts are ambiguous then sometimes we talk about what we could do to discover the truth if only we had the time or resources. These are not usually the long and meandering discussions I may have made them sound like. Early on Nicole usually makes some admission of guilt, and I say something like "the truth is really important, it matters very much to me that you tell the truth, I would much rather that you just tell me if you do something wrong so we can work together to fix it than have you lie to me about it." It doesn't always work, but I like this approach because it give me a consistent philosophy to hang my hat on with her. Part of the problem is that there are other places in her life, at school and elsewhere, where it really is better to lie because the punishments are ridiculous. I don't know what to do about this except discuss with her how there is something wrong with those people. We also talk about situations in which it is appropriate to lie, usually with regard to child abuse situations (which we talk about under the euphemism of "kidnapping" most of the time), in which she knows she should lie if asked to "not tell anyone", but then come tell us anyway. >Do kids understand what the truth is? (I am thinking of what appear > to adults to be simple matters of fact.) Depends on age, of course. Our 7 year old becomes incensed at our 3 year old when 3 says something which 7 interprets as a lie, like "that's MY street" as we drive though a new neighborhood never seen before or since. I have a tough time explaining that 3 does not know what is or is not a lie in most cases yet, and so cannot be held responsible for lies, but that 7 DOES know and so can be so held. 7 just shouts: "That's not FAIR, daddy!". -- Spoken: Mark Weiser ARPA: mark@maryland Phone: +1-301-454-7817 CSNet: mark@umcp-cs UUCP: {seismo,allegra}!umcp-cs!mark USPS: Computer Science Dept., University of Maryland, College Park, MD 20742