Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/17/84 chuqui version 1.7 9/23/84; site nsc.UUCP Path: utzoo!utcs!lsuc!pesnta!amd!nsc!chuqui From: chuqui@nsc.UUCP (Chuq Von Rospach) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: New subject for discussion (finally) Message-ID: <2379@nsc.UUCP> Date: Tue, 19-Feb-85 23:46:45 EST Article-I.D.: nsc.2379 Posted: Tue Feb 19 23:46:45 1985 Date-Received: Wed, 20-Feb-85 04:31:55 EST References: <792@ukma.UUCP> Reply-To: chuqui@nsc.UUCP (Chuq Von Rospach) Organization: The Village Lines: 95 Summary: In article <792@ukma.UUCP> red@ukma.UUCP (Red Varth) writes: > How do you deal with parents who ask you when you're getting > married every time you see them? Well, I once used 'When are you planning on getting divorced?' as a rejoinder, and when I was told 'Never' I said I wouldn't get married until I was as confident as them... didn't help, but the shocked look on their face was amusing. So was the grimace when they saw where it was going... But my parents and I get along rather well-- my mother (who has been good enough not to tell me she was right) told me I ought to live with my now ex-wife instead of marrying her... *grin* Actually, it breaks down into two related sets of questions: o When are you going to stop sinning and get married? (even the not terribly religious parents see it either as a sin against god or society-- that is their upbringing). o When do I get a grandkid? The first is a toughie. Trying to get parents to accept basic social changes, even in the most progressive parents, is difficult. Usually, a brisk 'never' followed by a change of subject or a request to simply not talk about the subject is the best medicine. Sometimes stony silence helps. Throwing up, if you can do it on command, is an emphatic editorial comment. slicing the furniture with a bread knife is excessive. in your case, since you are admitting to avoiding them because of this situation, TELL THEM that. Once they know that you are not spending time with them simply because you don't want to discuss something they insist on discussing, they can either drop the subject (smart) or live with the fact that they have driven you out of their own house. After you do tell them, you might emphasize the fact that they are doing this by leaving when the subject comes up, but realize this is rather drastic. But it should be preferred to simply quietly leaving because it allows them the change their behavior. The grandkid questions are related, but really separate. Most parents would really accept a kid, regardless of the origins... they'd like to get you married first, but if you give them something to spoil, they won't care. Of course, some of us simply don't WANT kids. My solution was simply to offer to adopt a child and give it to my mother to raise. If she wants the kid that much, she can deal with it on a daily basis. My mother, bless her soul, found a friend with a kid and is now a God-grandmother, happily spoiling someone else's brat, and every one is happy. The other major 'discussion' my mother and I have about kids goes something like 'Mother: Grandkid. Chuq: vasectomy. Mother: lawyer/will/inheritance. Chuq: Nice knowing you'. None of it is serious, you understand, but it gets the points across in both directions. These are closely related to the 'You are a manager now, why don't you cut your hair and look professional' discussion, the 'You are a professional, why don't you wear clothes that look it' discussionm and the now obsolete (since I'm matching her salary) 'you'll never get a decent job without a degree' discussion. In the case of myself and my mother, these are all rotework/parodies because we've worked them through enough times to say each others parts, but they describe the basic philosophical problems of our two social cultures. From her point of view, all of the things she says are right-- that is how she was brought up. For my point of view, all of the things she says are right-- for HER and her generation-- so I don't let them bother me (I prefer joking about them) but I also don't attempt to live her version of my life, either. It took her and I a long time (and a failed marriage on my part) to come to an understanding on all of this-- even in the best of households, like mine, it ain't easy. The problem is that parents sometimes have trouble understanding the social changes that have gone on. My mother is firmly rooted in the 1950's-- get a degree, get a job, get a wife, get a house, get a dog, get a kid-- in that order-- and it is hard for her to understand the different realities of today. Back then, that WAS the best/only way, and the options we have today were really unheard of (second paychecks, daycare, etc...). They try, but it is like explaining the Buddhist philosophy to a Catholic-- certain societal differences are simply foreign and not really understandable. Seriously, I grew up through all of this and I'm not sure I understand the implications of the social changes-- imagine being someone who is simply viewing from outside. Communication, above all, is the key. Be honest, open, and quite clear. If you don't plan on getting married and don't want to talk about it, simply make sure they understand this, and help then understand the implications of not listening to your wishes-- such as simply not being around at all. Most parents are willing to compromise when they understand what the negotiations are about (and this is a negotiation) but you need to make sure the terms are on the table. Hmm.. Ever notice how any discussion involving two or more people and a problem comes down to communication? I wonder if this is a trend??? chuq -- From left field, near the warning track: Chuq Von Rospach {cbosgd,fortune,hplabs,ihnp4,seismo}!nsc!chuqui nsc!chuqui@decwrl.ARPA Even though a poem be a thousand words, but made up of senseless words, one word of a poem is better, which if a man hears, he becomes quiet. --The Dhammapada