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From: haas@utah-gr.UUCP (Walt Haas)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: More thoughts on committment and marriage
Message-ID: <1357@utah-gr.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 21-Feb-85 15:31:19 EST
Article-I.D.: utah-gr.1357
Posted: Thu Feb 21 15:31:19 1985
Date-Received: Tue, 26-Feb-85 20:40:36 EST
Organization: Univ of Utah CS Dept
Lines: 75

[bugfodder]

I keep coming back to Greg's comment about the people who get
divorced instead of trying to save their marriage.  I am close
to a couple who just split up, with intent to divorce, and I
can't help but be struck by how much they have in common and
how much they could learn from each other.  In a way it is really
tragic that they are splitting up rather than learning to deal
with each other better.  This is the second divorce for each of
them, and they have no kids from this (or the previous) marriage,
so they tend to think of divorce as a fairly easy solution.

They each have problems in the way they communicate with others
that make it hard for them to establish good stable relationships.
As far as I can see, they can only solve these problems by going
through a process of learning better communication methods and,
perhaps more important, learning how to accept others as they are
and still get their own needs met.

The problem that I am wrestling with is, can they go through this
relearning process better with each other, or with somebody else?
The arguments in favor of staying together and learning from each
other are that they have very similar values and interests in most
areas.  The arguments in favor of splitting up are: She wants kids
and he doesn't (but she'll have to find a father in the next few
years, as she is now 31.6); they have reached a point of mutual anger
and rejection that makes it hard for them to talk to each other; and,
perhaps most important, they tend to mutually aggravate each other's
communication problems.

Incidentally, she claims that he went through a switch from his single
man script to his married man script when they got married.  She
refers to this as "bait and switch".  When pressed, she will admit that
after a year of marriage she stopped accepting his lifestyle and some
features of his personality.

In general I think that for them divorce is probably the better
solution, for the following reasons:

1) I think there is more potential for them to learn as individuals
   than as a couple, because they tend to aggravate each other's
   communication problems.

2) In order for them to learn as a couple, they both need to make
   a committment to change at the same time, in a compatible
   direction.  This has to start with a mutual admission that they
   both have a problem which requires change.  This type of mutual
   admission is real hard to get and stick to.

3) As individuals, they are freer to interact with people who don't
   fall automatically into the expected roles.  This can potentially
   lead to more learning experiences.  Unfortunately, they are also
   freer to pretend their problems don't exist.

4) In a situation where one wants to change and the other doesn't,
   the one who wants to change is constantly pushed back into the
   accustomed role and prevented from learning new ways to deal with
   problems.

5) Even in a situation where both want to change, the direction and
   timing of one's change might or might not support the other's
   change.  Changing in unison is hard to coordinate, especially for
   people who have trouble communicating anyway.  This could probably
   be helped by good outside support, say a marriage counselor or
   the equivalent.

As you no doubt deduced from the tentative tone in which I stated my
conclusion, I'm interested in hearing evidence to invalidate it.  In
particular, what types of situation might overcome the arguments in
favor of my friends splitting up?

Regards  -- Walt Haas

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