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Path: utzoo!utcs!lsuc!pesnta!amdcad!decwrl!decvax!cca!denise
From: denise@cca.UUCP (Denise Higgins)
Newsgroups: net.social
Subject: Marriage
Message-ID: <1664@cca.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 22-Feb-85 10:25:40 EST
Article-I.D.: cca.1664
Posted: Fri Feb 22 10:25:40 1985
Date-Received: Sun, 24-Feb-85 09:23:35 EST
Organization: Computer Corp. of America, Cambridge
Lines: 57


     I have now read approximately 40 articles on the subject of divorce
which is quite enlightening and at the same time depressing.  Today I
finally read a response questioning the flip side--"what about good
marriages".
     
     I'm not about to pass judgment about what constitutes a bad
marriage but I do know what makes mine work for me.  I have been married
for three years and I can honestly say that we wasted the first two
years and have this year been given the "tools" to make the rest of our
years together the best time we can spend with each other.  Our secret
is DAILY communication.  We thought we had a really good marriage until
we went on a Marriage Encounter weekend and discovered that we had been
talking to each other not with each other.  Of course, communication
doesn't stand alone--it exists when two people are committed to making
it happen.  I am not the same person I was when I married, neither is my
husband.  Communication erases predisposed expectations and replaces it
with deeper understanding.  I stress the idea of daily
communication--each day we grow, each day we change in minor but subtle
ways.  And as we change, so do our needs and expectations.

     When we decided on the marriage vows three years ago, we decided to
retain the traditional verse.  To substitute it with anything else was
to deny ourselves the feeling of longevity in our marriage.  Two weeks
ago we restated our vows.  It became more apparent what those vows
actually mean (that is after living together as a married couple).  I
have oftentimes felt like giving up, so the line "in good times and in
bad" had special meaning two weeks ago.  When I first took my vows I had
no expectation of "bad" - everything was enveloped in a fog of
infatuation.  Today I realize that we MUST enter marriage with the
expectation of both "good times and bad".  To what degree of "bad" one
is willing to except is the level of consciousness for ending the
marriage.  To me "til death do us part" is as classic as the wearing of
a white gown...and as you can see, has different meaning to different
people.

     'nuff said.  I'm going to make a plug for something that helped our
marriage grow.  As I mentioned earlier, we made a Marriage Encounter
(designed as an awareness weekend to make a good marriage better).  It
is a non-denominational weekend with no group encounters but some rare
(and rewarding) time with your spouse.  We didn't go because we had a
good marriage and wanted to make it better.  Truth is our marriage was
falling apart - we knew it and wanted to do something about it.  We were
exposed to feelings about each other that we had never been aware of
before.  It's not our saving grace - it's not a panacea - in a nutsheel it
taught me that I need feedback from my husband not "Mom, Dear Abby".
Anyone who would like more info - I'm here.

     I heard this line long ago...

     "It takes two to make a marriage and one to break it"





cheers to diego!