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From: dxa@bentley.UUCP (DR Anolick)
Newsgroups: net.motss
Subject: Helping a friend come out
Message-ID: <515@bentley.UUCP>
Date: Mon, 25-Mar-85 17:05:27 EST
Article-I.D.: bentley.515
Posted: Mon Mar 25 17:05:27 1985
Date-Received: Tue, 26-Mar-85 05:39:40 EST
Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories, Piscataway
Lines: 78

I am hoping that the net can help me with a current problem.  The problem
concerns a friend of mine (John) who may be struggling to come to terms
with his being a homosexual.  In order to explain the situation, I'd like
to give you some background.

John and I met in the Spring of 1982, when I was a junior in an
undergraduate program, and he was a first year PhD student.  We were both
looking for a roommate for the next school year, and since we got along
very well, we decided that we would make good roommates.

We moved in together in August of 1983.  At that time, John was very
depressed.  He had flunked out of his PhD program, and was starting over as
a Master's student at a different college.  He proceeded to drop that
program in December, and then took a technicians job which he still
currently holds.  It seemed to me that he was very depressed about life and
this was causing him to have the school problems.  (He is very intelligent,
so that is not the reason for dropping the two graduate programs.)

During the first few months that we lived together, I started getting the
impression that John might be gay.  He constantly made gay jokes, and I
accidentally discovered a few Playgirls in his room.  (I never told him
about that.)

Also during this time, I was going through my own rough period.  I was in
counseling, trying to realize my own self worth.  I was a virgin at the
time, so even though I was confident in my being straight, I could not deal
with the prospect of having a gay roommate.  (At that stage in my life, I
definitely had some homophobia, something which, for the most part, I no
longer have.) I think John realized this from our conversations, and my
reactions to his jokes.  So if he is gay, he certainly never told me.

A few months after I started thinking that John was gay, he started seeing
a woman very regularly.  (He had also been a virgin)  I was very happy to
take this to mean that I was wrong and that he was not gay.  Even though he
is still seeing this woman, (it's been over a year) I think that he might
be gay.  I wonder if he is using this affair as a denial (to himself) of
him being a homosexual.

After a recent letter and phone conversation, I realize that John is as
depressed as ever.  I also know from talking to him that he is not happy
with his current affair, he told me that she wants more commitment than he
is willing to give.  I may be wrong, but I believe that he can't give that
commitment because, among other things,  he is not heterosexual.

One other important factor.  John was brought up in a small Ohio factory
town.  He has rejected 99% of his religion, but I'm sure that his
upbringing was more homophobic than most.  That could be a factor if he is
denying his homosexuality.

I've discussed this with a mutual friend of ours who thinks that I may be
right, that John is gay.  The problem is what should I do?  John has said
to our mutual friend that he has something that he wants to talk to her
about, but can't because she would lose respect for him.  So I think John
wants to, or needs to talk about this.

If I am wrong, and John is straight, I have enough confidence in our
friendship that he won't be too offended. I am bringing this problem to the
net to get some input from people who have gone through the "coming out"
process.   If John is gay, and hasn't even admitted it to himself, how do I
approach this?  An added problem is that John is 200 miles away, so this
has to be done by phone or letter.  (The idea of writing a letter appeals
to me, it would give me a chance to get all the wording right, so I don't
put my foot in my mouth.)

So, any input would be greatly appreciated.  Should I talk or write to John
about this?  And could someone tell me if it is possible that John's
current affair is just a self denial?  Am I totally off the wall in this
thought, or have other gays been in a heterosexual affair to prove to
themselves that they are not gay?  (Before coming out, I mean)

I hope that you have gotten a good idea of the situation from the above.
I'm sorry that this is so long.  I really consider John a good friend, and
I don't like seeing him so miserable.  I hope you can help me help him.

Thanks for the help,
                                |
        Droyan                  |       David ROY ANolick
 ..ihnp4!bentley!droyan         |       ^     ^^^ ^^