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From: haas@utah-gr.UUCP (Walt Haas)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Dating multiple partners
Message-ID: <1377@utah-gr.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 12-Mar-85 17:34:01 EST
Article-I.D.: utah-gr.1377
Posted: Tue Mar 12 17:34:01 1985
Date-Received: Sat, 16-Mar-85 04:17:49 EST
Organization: Univ of Utah CS Dept
Lines: 55

I have been dating multiple partners since my divorce about five years ago.
This was a very deliberate decision based on my own need to learn about real
people in the real world (as opposed to continuing to believe the stereotypes
I learned while growing up).  The learning experience was a highly successful
one, by the way, and I recommend this approach to anyone who tends to have
fixed expectations about the people they might date.

I would consider it dishonest of me to do this without letting everybody know
what's going on, so I make a point of raising the issue with any woman I date
or am thinking seriously of seeing socially.  Usually I do this by steering the
subject of conversation around to relationships, then saying something like
"I'm dating around a lot without having any exclusive relationships right now."
This usually provokes some kind of reaction; exactly what is hard to predict in
advance, unless she has already discussed her own feelings on the subject.  A
few have decided they don't like the idea - one that I am dating now pesters me
about it, mostly because she wants an exclusive relationship with me.  On the
other hand, another wouldn't go out with me at all until I swore up, down and
sideways that commitment was the farthest thing from my mind.  Most have an
intermediate reaction.  I have never yet had anybody say anything as extreme as
"That's disgusting" or "I won't date you any way but on an exclusive basis".
One says she tried dating multiple partners but didn't have the energy for it,
so she stopped.

However, I do not normally go as far as naming who else I am dating or
discussing them with each other.  Great discretion is important.  For the last
eight or nine months I have been dating two women who are best friends, and
they both know it, but I never discuss one with the other.  This has worked out
a lot better than it sounds, since the arrangement actually meets everybody's
needs reasonably well.  One of the women got divorced in 1982 and started
dating with me, on a strictly uncommited basis of course.  She told me that the
experience has been a very good one for her, and I know it has been for me.
The other of the two is slightly less happy with the arrangement, because she
also wants an exclusive relationship.  However, she seems to find that the
present setup satisfies many of her needs fairly well, so the arrangement
continues.

I suspect that one reason this works out for me is that I could get along with
any of them strictly on a basis of friendship, with no romance involved.  I
think that this tends to relax the whole situation, since we aren't seeing
each other strictly on a basis that we have to fulfill each other's needs for
a close relationship.  Indeed, the line between friendship and romance is
always a little vague for me.  I also don't normally push hard for a sexual
involvement, so if that comes, it's on a basis of mutual attraction.

After making sure that each one knows she doesn't have an exclusive
relationship with me, I then make every effort to give her my complete
attention whenever we're together.  I never leave one's personal stuff lying
around where another can find it, and I never make comparisons between them.
I also avoid any situation where it might appear that I was putting two
women into a position of being rivals, or using one to gain leverage over
another.  Remember, I'm doing this primarily to learn, not out of egotism.

Regards  -- Walt Haas

ARPAnet: Haas@Utah-20   uucp:  ...{decvax|ihnp4|seismo}!utah-cs!haas