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From: jon@boulder.UUCP (Jonathan Corbet)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: The role of love in a happy life
Message-ID: <338@boulder.UUCP>
Date: Sun, 7-Apr-85 22:51:35 EST
Article-I.D.: boulder.338
Posted: Sun Apr  7 22:51:35 1985
Date-Received: Tue, 9-Apr-85 03:39:05 EST
Distribution: net
Organization: National Center for Atmospheric Research
Lines: 50

[Do not write on this line]

	I have a subject that has become of great interest to me lately,
and I am curious to know what others think.  The question is: What is the
proper role for love in one's life?  What importance should it have; how
much effort should one put into finding it; is it vital to a happy life?
	You see, I have encountered two very different attitudes with 
respect to this question.  The first is the one I was raised with, and
it holds that love is everything.  To passionately and deeply love another
is the highest state to which one can aspire, and such love is what makes
life worthwhile.  One finds this kind of opinion everywhere: TV, the bible,
numerous other books, etc.
	The second view is that love is a luxury.  Since "true" love really
does require that the feeling flow in both directions, anybody who needs love
to live a happy life is putting {his, her} happiness in the hands of others,
which is likely to lead to unhappiness.  I have encountered this sort of
reasoning in "self help" books I have read, and in people who have gone 
through certain types of therapy or awareness courses.
	The second view was also quite evident in a number of messages I
got a few months ago as I strove to build a sustainable life for myself
without the woman I had loved for years.  To somebody (like me) who tries
to apply logic to all situations, such reasoning holds a certain amount of
appeal.  To be able to count on being happy, I have to fill in all of my
needs myself -- counting on others to help me find my own happiness is a
risky proposition -- I may never find that special person.  Perhaps I should
just give up on trying to find happiness in others.
	But the fact remains: the two times in my short life that I have
felt love for another with my entire being, and known that the other person
was feeling the same way about me, were the very happiest times of my life.
In my experience, there is no joy so intense.  If I decide that love is not
vital to make my life what I want it to be, then I decide that I don't need
that joy.  An entirely new question is then suggested: what do I live my 
life for, anyway, if it is not the strongest happiness I know?  But that
is only slightly relevant here -- maybe I'll post to net.philosophy on that
one....
	There is another issue with the "love is a luxury" viewpoint that
really scares me.  If I conclude that I have to build a life where I don't
need to love and be loved, the part of me that says otherwise has to be
somehow suppressed.  If I really modify my viewpoint to one that does not
need to be loved, what happens to my ability to love?  I may never be able
to really let myself be immersed in that sort of emotion again.  I think
that would be a severe loss.
	So, those of you who have made it this far, what do you think?  I
value your opinions.

jon
-- 
Jonathan Corbet
National Center for Atmospheric Research, Field Observing Facility
{seismo|hplabs}!hao!boulder!jon		(Thanks to CU CS department)